a friend recently sent me a yahoo message saying that he has a problem. since at that time i thought that he needed my help, i immediately tried to contact him. it ended up as a text and ym marathon for the whole day, ending up with beer bottle in our hands. but no, we didn't end up drinking together. he wanted to spend the night alone and won't allow anyone to see him like that. since we haven't spoken with each other yet save for the cell phone calls i had to make to be sure that he's alright, i'm writing this in the hopes that one day he will remember that i have a blog and will be interested to read this. i'm sure he'll know that this is for him.

i've always believed that there is someone out there who's meant for everyone. it may not necessarily be a partner, but there will always be someone who we feel can complete us - a child, a friend, a confidante. you have been blessed to have loved and be loved by many people in your life. i should know, because i was once one of them. i know that you have so much love to give (that you can't be contented with giving them to just one person. haha!), but you have to understand that love isn't always reciprocated. it's like business - you may have given your all, but still you can't get back what you've put into that business. maybe it's just what it is - you have just invested what you have in something that isn't really a "good idea". that you have just invested in the wrong kind of deal. i should know, because i once invested in something that crashed and burned.

you make decisions that at that particular time feels right - saying "i love you", taking back what you said, being an a**h**e, hurting others, cheating on others. note that i said doing these things felt right... emotions were involved, not reason. we do make stupid decisions that end up as stupid mistakes. but sometimes, we just have to do those things, because we cannot live with the what if's of life. we have to say what we have to say and do what we have to do before it's too late. because with love, there's no such thing as holding back.

i understand that you had to be alone last night, but i hope that you also understand that i had to see you. i wanted to see you to make sure that you were alright. i felt that i was left in the dark, because after a whole day of discussing your problem, i still was not able to help you because you refused to talk to me. sometimes, you have to let these things out. and i know that i'm one of very few people with whom you can discuss this problem. maybe you're with them now, the few people who can understand you. but i think it's unfair that you're with them when you haven't seen me yet. you told me that i make a good psychologist, that i should ask for fees from people. you see, psychologists see their patients, not merely communicate with them through text & the internet. somehow, i feel that i have this moral obligation to follow through the "session", to make sure that you're ok. because if you do something stupid or something bad happens to you, i sure won't be able to forgive myself.

the years we've spent together have taught me many things, including important things about love. you've shown me the many facets of love and the many ways to fall in love. but somehow, we still both don't get it. you see, sometimes, we don't know how much we love a person until he or she is gone. in your case, i'm not so sure. i feel that there are many loose ends to tie up. just know that you can come to me again, anytime. and maybe, when i'm feeling better, i'll go to you to discuss my problems. i know i said that you're not qualified because of you-know-who, but what the heck. you're my friend. you're probably the most-me-guy-friend i have. next time, i'll be the patient, you be the shrink.

i'll wait for your message again. i hope it won't be too late because i may not be able to be there for you when you need me. you take care, ok?

and you don't know what you've got till it's gone

i just spent two days in the dark... literally!

because of typhoon milenyo, electricity was cut in our place. it was frustrating to see the other streets with lights. and because we fell on the unfortunate side of project 6, we spent around 40 hours without electricity. thankfully, we got it just before 10pm awhile ago. although it was a hassle taking a bath, eating, and just plain moving without lights, i got to spend some time with my cousins because of the 2-day holiday. however, proximity breeds contempt, as i got on the bad side of my mom more than a few times during the last 3 days.

i don't know what's up with me but i seemed to have lost all zest for life. i was very excited about my parents' silver wedding anniversary, but now, i've been procrastinating about the plans. i know that there are many things to deal with, like the printing of invitations, finishing the hand-made envelopes, finalizing the program, possibly making an avp of my parents for the reception, etc... but i've been on a slump. or maybe i'm just plain lazy. and i know, as my mom always says, that i'm no longer young to be reminded of the things that i have to do. i don't want to hear her nagging, but unfortunately, i won't budge until i hear her nag.

maybe the work in alabang would be good for me. at least, i'll get my mind off things for a while. and aside from earning a few bucks and not spending any of it because i'll be living there, i'll be away from my mom for at least 5 days in a week. i don't know what's gotten into me but i've been considering working in a faraway place lately. places like batangas, or cebu... anywhere that would take me far from home.

i know i have a lot of things to do. for a 24 year old, i sure feel like i haven't accomplished anything in life yet. i'm still in school, finishing my thesis for the 2nd year, not working and being a burden to my parents. i'm hooked to gambling, although thankfully i'm not addicted to alcohol yet. but i wouldn't pass a chance to drink a couple of bottles of beer... or more.

i'm not getting any younger. maybe it's really true that it's almost impossible to find a job that you like, where you won't be really stressed to the point of having a nervous breakdown, a job that pays well and a job where you can use what you've learned in school. maybe i should challenge myself and get a job in the corporate world, something which i can't stand.

after so many days, even weeks, of not feeling sad, here i am crying again. alone again. i miss having someone to talk to after getting a mouthful of hurtful words from my mom. sometimes, i don't blame my sister for running away from home because of her. she can be really nasty sometimes, but i still love her. i know she only wants the best for me. and i know she wants me to be stable in life. but i don't know what i want. i don't know where i want to go and what i want to do. everything crumbled to pieces when i broke up with jc. all i know is i can't get into another relationship right now, not with him or anybody else, because of the very same reason - i don't know what i want. i pray that i may have the strength to surpass yet another challenge in life, and more strength to pick up the pieces. i've fallen many times during the last year, and i can only hope that i have enough strength and courage to stand up again.

after the dust settled...

i just spent an ENTIRE day working with the sisses. we went to divisoria to buy materials early morning, got back home for lunch, and started working right away. we ended at 1130 and the last of the sisses just left my place (it's 1:20am). it was an interesting day, highlighted by unexpected text messages, my niece bursting into the house every now and then, and concluded with the talk about men. yeah, my sisses and i talk about our men. i mean, guys with whom we were in a relationship before, guys with whom we are in a relationship, and guys with whom we'd want to be in a relationship. and of course don't forget those we don't even want to see.

it was fun talking to the sisses, especially those who got so giggly about their crushes. niña and arianne agreed with each other that falling in love is such a nice feeling. arianne can't stop her smile, and niña won't stop making kuwento about everything that her guy did and said. i'm glad they're happy, but after they've left, i'm all alone again here at home.

my last relationship has left me with so much hurt that i've begun again to question my ability to love, be loved and accept that love offered to me. i've also begun to question my ability to distinguish good guys from bad guys, and good relationships from bad relationships. i know i've been blessed with a good life with lots of people supporting and loving me. but i still can't shake the feeling that something's wrong. i'm beginning to believe that i really am cursed, that i'm doomed never to find somebody who's perfect for me. or maybe i have already found him, but he was just too... something. that guy may have been too selfish, or egotistical, or pa-macho, or bakla to fight for me. or maybe he can't take me, my family or my sisses. or maybe i just let him slip off my fingers, and simply got away.

with swollen fingers because of glue gun burns, allergy from the scent of the paper and itching because of the abaca fibers, i'll try to rest. the burns will heal and the allergies will disappear, but i know that after everything else has gone, i only have me to fight for myself. no one else will do it for me. i may cry right now and be bitter about love, afraid of falling again, trusting someone again, letting myself depend on someone and have that someone depend on me again, but i will continue to pray that i may believe again. and hopefully, after the dust settles, i will be smiling again.

moving on

i didn't touch my blog for more than 5 weeks and in those 5 weeks, i got back with jc and broken up with him just 4 days ago. for good. and it hurts so bad. but i have to do it, for my sake. i'm becoming a monster, doing things i shouldn't do and saying things i shouldn't say. i don't know.

jc, i know you read my blog. i'm so sorry for everything. but i can't forget what you said. you will forever have a place in my heart. but i have to heal myself now. i don't just need time and space. i need to get away. i'm so hurt i've become cynical again. remember more than 2 years ago when i got close to you and your brods? who was i then? a gambler, drinker, party girl, gimik girl, girl-who'll-date-guys-and-make-them-cry? i've become that person again, save for the last part. because now i'm not interested in dating anymore. i don't even want to be around guys, except those who are younger than me because i know they don't think like you. oh, and remember my supposed "brod" you were so jealous about? i don't consider him my friend anymore. i don't even want to see him. but then it's nobody's business, just mine. that's how i hate guys right now. because just when i let myself fall, just when i gave it my all, the guy i trusted blew it. and it damn hurts.

i'll rest for the time being. maybe go away for a while. maybe after some time, after some weeks, months or years, i'll be ready again. but for now, let me grieve. let me drink. i'm so scared to fall in love again. i don't even want to think about it.

cover up

it's very easy to lie, right? i mean, everybody i know can lie without batting an eyelash. even my 5 year old niece can do it. i've lied for almost every reason i could think of. but tonight, i experienced having a hard time lying about something i could not cover up with gambling, alcohol, academics or sorority matters.

i'm not happy. i can admit it. i had a bout of sadness last night at meatshop. i'm lucky i saw some apb friends of kat na kilala ko. we talked about my blockmates (who they all seem to know), politics, the courses in up during the 90's, etc. but before and after that, until now at 430 in the morning, i could not deny that i'm sad. i may not be alone sometimes, but i have this feeling that i'll always be lonely.

maybe it's just for now. i'm giving myself until sunday, until after the uaap games that i hope to be able to watch after my civil service exams. after that, i will move on. it's very difficult to do, but i have to do it. not just for my future but for my family as well.

things to do next week:
> meet with ma'am ventura to discuss my thesis proposal
> write first few parts of proposal and submit to ma'am
> meet with charm to discuss exhibit materials needed
> meet with fe tantiansu to discuss budget for exhibit
> library with isp to take digital photos of past philippinensians

taking my time

i've been sick the last two weeks. and two weeks prior to that, i spent my time drinking and trying to heal the wounds of the breakup. hence, for a whole month, i was not able to do anything. i was not able to review for the civil service exam, i was not able to work on my thesis.

but i'm slowly picking up the pieces now.

perhaps tomorrow, i'll go to UP (if whether permits) and meet up with my adviser. i really have to meet up with her, with all the radical changes i did to my thesis. i'm also going to meet the sisses, who i miss so badly. i didn't see them for almost 20 days and missed a lot of things that i promised to go to, like the ballroom, the beta sigma ball, the final rites, the alumnae foundation meeting. i'm still coughing mad, but not like hell anymore, so i think i'll be fine tomorrow.

i'm also doing the arrangements for my parents' silver wedding anniversary. there are so many things to prepare for with so little time to do everything that i have to plan the family meeting very soon. i'll be asking the help of my girl cousins so we can iron out the details for the wedding asap.

i'll take the civil service exam this sunday. then maybe go to NAS to watch the uaap games with jc and his brods.

speaking of which...

we have not gotten back together... not just yet. i'm still taking my time to heal myself. like MIS, there are so many hurtful things done and said in the past that the mere presence of the loves of our lives won't be enough to heal everything. yes i appreciate him taking care of me when i was sick, bringing me the double cheeseburger meal from mcdo that i love so much. yes i appreciate the bed of rose petals, and the bouquet of flowers that my brother helped prepare. my family may have seen the efforts that he has exerted to get me back. and they all are wondering whether we're back together. but not just yet. there are still things that i have to take care of, especially with regards to my family. i have not talked to jc yet about the family meeting i had with my siblings and our mom. i think this school year is a turning point in our family's life, and i have to take a more active part in preparing my parents for their retirement.

i'm still also taking care of some financial obligations that i have. i still have many things to sell from the school, and it would really help my parents if i could sell them asap so we can have additional funds for the silver wedding celebration. i just hope that i could get myself together and start on a high note again, much like the start of the school year when i was full of hopes, looking forward to a 2nd anniversary, a fresh start, wonderful opportunities, and a life of love.

thought and reason over emotion and passion

i'm home now with charm, supposedly doing my thesis while she's studying. it's 10 minutes before midnight, the last 10 minutes of july 4, 2006. i couldn't work on my thesis though. i seem to have lost the drive i had just last week, when i felt so productive and so efficient, hopeful that i would be able to submit my proposal this week. but no, He has other plans.

i'm sad, yes. i'm lonely, yes. i'm hopeful, yes. i still love him, yes.

but for now, reason has to take over passion.

it was difficult to do it 2 weeks before our 2nd anniversary, but i had to do it. it was uncomfortable not wearing the ring, but i had to remove it. it hurt a lot, and i cried a lot, but i had to endure it. i believe it's for our best interest, for our growth.

i'm grateful i have the sisses with me. they've given me the support i've needed for the last days, and given me the necessary activities to keep me busy for the coming weeks and months. i've somehow survived because of them, and with them, i hope to overcome this major obstacle in my life.

my family is really sad over it. even my brother, who is seriously apathetic about my personal life, was being teased by my cousin that he's sad over it because my brother wants him to be his brother-in-law. so much for that now, at least for this time. i'm still too weak to carry on, too tired to even try, and too afraid to think of the future. as for now, i will be striving to do my thesis, render service to the Sorority, spend as much time with the sisses as possible, renew old ties, sing with the choir more often, look forward to upcoming events and happy moments, forgive and learn, but never forget.

for as long as i have music
as long as there's a song for me to sing
i can find my way, i can see a brighter day
the music in my life will set my spirit free