of thought and reason, of emotion and passion

2006-11-04T11:13:00.000-08:00

a friend recently sent me a yahoo message saying that he has a problem. since at that time i thought that he needed my help, i immediately tried to contact him. it ended up as a text and ym marathon for the whole day, ending up with beer bottle in our hands. but no, we didn't end up drinking together. he wanted to spend the night alone and won't allow anyone to see him like that. since we haven't spoken with each other yet save for the cell phone calls i had to make to be sure that he's alright, i'm writing this in the hopes that one day he will remember that i have a blog and will be interested to read this. i'm sure he'll know that this is for him.

i've always believed that there is someone out there who's meant for everyone. it may not necessarily be a partner, but there will always be someone who we feel can complete us - a child, a friend, a confidante. you have been blessed to have loved and be loved by many people in your life. i should know, because i was once one of them. i know that you have so much love to give (that you can't be contented with giving them to just one person. haha!), but you have to understand that love isn't always reciprocated. it's like business - you may have given your all, but still you can't get back what you've put into that business. maybe it's just what it is - you have just invested what you have in something that isn't really a "good idea". that you have just invested in the wrong kind of deal. i should know, because i once invested in something that crashed and burned.

you make decisions that at that particular time feels right - saying "i love you", taking back what you said, being an a**h**e, hurting others, cheating on others. note that i said doing these things felt right... emotions were involved, not reason. we do make stupid decisions that end up as stupid mistakes. but sometimes, we just have to do those things, because we cannot live with the what if's of life. we have to say what we have to say and do what we have to do before it's too late. because with love, there's no such thing as holding back.

i understand that you had to be alone last night, but i hope that you also understand that i had to see you. i wanted to see you to make sure that you were alright. i felt that i was left in the dark, because after a whole day of discussing your problem, i still was not able to help you because you refused to talk to me. sometimes, you have to let these things out. and i know that i'm one of very few people with whom you can discuss this problem. maybe you're with them now, the few people who can understand you. but i think it's unfair that you're with them when you haven't seen me yet. you told me that i make a good psychologist, that i should ask for fees from people. you see, psychologists see their patients, not merely communicate with them through text & the internet. somehow, i feel that i have this moral obligation to follow through the "session", to make sure that you're ok. because if you do something stupid or something bad happens to you, i sure won't be able to forgive myself.

the years we've spent together have taught me many things, including important things about love. you've shown me the many facets of love and the many ways to fall in love. but somehow, we still both don't get it. you see, sometimes, we don't know how much we love a person until he or she is gone. in your case, i'm not so sure. i feel that there are many loose ends to tie up. just know that you can come to me again, anytime. and maybe, when i'm feeling better, i'll go to you to discuss my problems. i know i said that you're not qualified because of you-know-who, but what the heck. you're my friend. you're probably the most-me-guy-friend i have. next time, i'll be the patient, you be the shrink.

i'll wait for your message again. i hope it won't be too late because i may not be able to be there for you when you need me. you take care, ok?

and you don't know what you've got till it's gone

2006-09-29T12:29:00.000-07:00

i just spent two days in the dark... literally!

because of typhoon milenyo, electricity was cut in our place. it was frustrating to see the other streets with lights. and because we fell on the unfortunate side of project 6, we spent around 40 hours without electricity. thankfully, we got it just before 10pm awhile ago. although it was a hassle taking a bath, eating, and just plain moving without lights, i got to spend some time with my cousins because of the 2-day holiday. however, proximity breeds contempt, as i got on the bad side of my mom more than a few times during the last 3 days.

i don't know what's up with me but i seemed to have lost all zest for life. i was very excited about my parents' silver wedding anniversary, but now, i've been procrastinating about the plans. i know that there are many things to deal with, like the printing of invitations, finishing the hand-made envelopes, finalizing the program, possibly making an avp of my parents for the reception, etc... but i've been on a slump. or maybe i'm just plain lazy. and i know, as my mom always says, that i'm no longer young to be reminded of the things that i have to do. i don't want to hear her nagging, but unfortunately, i won't budge until i hear her nag.

maybe the work in alabang would be good for me. at least, i'll get my mind off things for a while. and aside from earning a few bucks and not spending any of it because i'll be living there, i'll be away from my mom for at least 5 days in a week. i don't know what's gotten into me but i've been considering working in a faraway place lately. places like batangas, or cebu... anywhere that would take me far from home.

i know i have a lot of things to do. for a 24 year old, i sure feel like i haven't accomplished anything in life yet. i'm still in school, finishing my thesis for the 2nd year, not working and being a burden to my parents. i'm hooked to gambling, although thankfully i'm not addicted to alcohol yet. but i wouldn't pass a chance to drink a couple of bottles of beer... or more.

i'm not getting any younger. maybe it's really true that it's almost impossible to find a job that you like, where you won't be really stressed to the point of having a nervous breakdown, a job that pays well and a job where you can use what you've learned in school. maybe i should challenge myself and get a job in the corporate world, something which i can't stand.

after so many days, even weeks, of not feeling sad, here i am crying again. alone again. i miss having someone to talk to after getting a mouthful of hurtful words from my mom. sometimes, i don't blame my sister for running away from home because of her. she can be really nasty sometimes, but i still love her. i know she only wants the best for me. and i know she wants me to be stable in life. but i don't know what i want. i don't know where i want to go and what i want to do. everything crumbled to pieces when i broke up with jc. all i know is i can't get into another relationship right now, not with him or anybody else, because of the very same reason - i don't know what i want. i pray that i may have the strength to surpass yet another challenge in life, and more strength to pick up the pieces. i've fallen many times during the last year, and i can only hope that i have enough strength and courage to stand up again.

after the dust settled...

2006-09-17T10:24:00.000-07:00

i just spent an ENTIRE day working with the sisses. we went to divisoria to buy materials early morning, got back home for lunch, and started working right away. we ended at 1130 and the last of the sisses just left my place (it's 1:20am). it was an interesting day, highlighted by unexpected text messages, my niece bursting into the house every now and then, and concluded with the talk about men. yeah, my sisses and i talk about our men. i mean, guys with whom we were in a relationship before, guys with whom we are in a relationship, and guys with whom we'd want to be in a relationship. and of course don't forget those we don't even want to see.

it was fun talking to the sisses, especially those who got so giggly about their crushes. niña and arianne agreed with each other that falling in love is such a nice feeling. arianne can't stop her smile, and niña won't stop making kuwento about everything that her guy did and said. i'm glad they're happy, but after they've left, i'm all alone again here at home.

my last relationship has left me with so much hurt that i've begun again to question my ability to love, be loved and accept that love offered to me. i've also begun to question my ability to distinguish good guys from bad guys, and good relationships from bad relationships. i know i've been blessed with a good life with lots of people supporting and loving me. but i still can't shake the feeling that something's wrong. i'm beginning to believe that i really am cursed, that i'm doomed never to find somebody who's perfect for me. or maybe i have already found him, but he was just too... something. that guy may have been too selfish, or egotistical, or pa-macho, or bakla to fight for me. or maybe he can't take me, my family or my sisses. or maybe i just let him slip off my fingers, and simply got away.

with swollen fingers because of glue gun burns, allergy from the scent of the paper and itching because of the abaca fibers, i'll try to rest. the burns will heal and the allergies will disappear, but i know that after everything else has gone, i only have me to fight for myself. no one else will do it for me. i may cry right now and be bitter about love, afraid of falling again, trusting someone again, letting myself depend on someone and have that someone depend on me again, but i will continue to pray that i may believe again. and hopefully, after the dust settles, i will be smiling again.

moving on

2006-09-13T12:37:00.000-07:00

i didn't touch my blog for more than 5 weeks and in those 5 weeks, i got back with jc and broken up with him just 4 days ago. for good. and it hurts so bad. but i have to do it, for my sake. i'm becoming a monster, doing things i shouldn't do and saying things i shouldn't say. i don't know.

jc, i know you read my blog. i'm so sorry for everything. but i can't forget what you said. you will forever have a place in my heart. but i have to heal myself now. i don't just need time and space. i need to get away. i'm so hurt i've become cynical again. remember more than 2 years ago when i got close to you and your brods? who was i then? a gambler, drinker, party girl, gimik girl, girl-who'll-date-guys-and-make-them-cry? i've become that person again, save for the last part. because now i'm not interested in dating anymore. i don't even want to be around guys, except those who are younger than me because i know they don't think like you. oh, and remember my supposed "brod" you were so jealous about? i don't consider him my friend anymore. i don't even want to see him. but then it's nobody's business, just mine. that's how i hate guys right now. because just when i let myself fall, just when i gave it my all, the guy i trusted blew it. and it damn hurts.

i'll rest for the time being. maybe go away for a while. maybe after some time, after some weeks, months or years, i'll be ready again. but for now, let me grieve. let me drink. i'm so scared to fall in love again. i don't even want to think about it.

cover up

2006-07-27T13:24:00.000-07:00

it's very easy to lie, right? i mean, everybody i know can lie without batting an eyelash. even my 5 year old niece can do it. i've lied for almost every reason i could think of. but tonight, i experienced having a hard time lying about something i could not cover up with gambling, alcohol, academics or sorority matters.

i'm not happy. i can admit it. i had a bout of sadness last night at meatshop. i'm lucky i saw some apb friends of kat na kilala ko. we talked about my blockmates (who they all seem to know), politics, the courses in up during the 90's, etc. but before and after that, until now at 430 in the morning, i could not deny that i'm sad. i may not be alone sometimes, but i have this feeling that i'll always be lonely.

maybe it's just for now. i'm giving myself until sunday, until after the uaap games that i hope to be able to watch after my civil service exams. after that, i will move on. it's very difficult to do, but i have to do it. not just for my future but for my family as well.

things to do next week:
> meet with ma'am ventura to discuss my thesis proposal
> write first few parts of proposal and submit to ma'am
> meet with charm to discuss exhibit materials needed
> meet with fe tantiansu to discuss budget for exhibit
> library with isp to take digital photos of past philippinensians

taking my time

2006-07-26T10:09:00.000-07:00

i've been sick the last two weeks. and two weeks prior to that, i spent my time drinking and trying to heal the wounds of the breakup. hence, for a whole month, i was not able to do anything. i was not able to review for the civil service exam, i was not able to work on my thesis.

but i'm slowly picking up the pieces now.

perhaps tomorrow, i'll go to UP (if whether permits) and meet up with my adviser. i really have to meet up with her, with all the radical changes i did to my thesis. i'm also going to meet the sisses, who i miss so badly. i didn't see them for almost 20 days and missed a lot of things that i promised to go to, like the ballroom, the beta sigma ball, the final rites, the alumnae foundation meeting. i'm still coughing mad, but not like hell anymore, so i think i'll be fine tomorrow.

i'm also doing the arrangements for my parents' silver wedding anniversary. there are so many things to prepare for with so little time to do everything that i have to plan the family meeting very soon. i'll be asking the help of my girl cousins so we can iron out the details for the wedding asap.

i'll take the civil service exam this sunday. then maybe go to NAS to watch the uaap games with jc and his brods.

speaking of which...

we have not gotten back together... not just yet. i'm still taking my time to heal myself. like MIS, there are so many hurtful things done and said in the past that the mere presence of the loves of our lives won't be enough to heal everything. yes i appreciate him taking care of me when i was sick, bringing me the double cheeseburger meal from mcdo that i love so much. yes i appreciate the bed of rose petals, and the bouquet of flowers that my brother helped prepare. my family may have seen the efforts that he has exerted to get me back. and they all are wondering whether we're back together. but not just yet. there are still things that i have to take care of, especially with regards to my family. i have not talked to jc yet about the family meeting i had with my siblings and our mom. i think this school year is a turning point in our family's life, and i have to take a more active part in preparing my parents for their retirement.

i'm still also taking care of some financial obligations that i have. i still have many things to sell from the school, and it would really help my parents if i could sell them asap so we can have additional funds for the silver wedding celebration. i just hope that i could get myself together and start on a high note again, much like the start of the school year when i was full of hopes, looking forward to a 2nd anniversary, a fresh start, wonderful opportunities, and a life of love.

thought and reason over emotion and passion

2006-07-04T08:53:00.000-07:00

i'm home now with charm, supposedly doing my thesis while she's studying. it's 10 minutes before midnight, the last 10 minutes of july 4, 2006. i couldn't work on my thesis though. i seem to have lost the drive i had just last week, when i felt so productive and so efficient, hopeful that i would be able to submit my proposal this week. but no, He has other plans.

i'm sad, yes. i'm lonely, yes. i'm hopeful, yes. i still love him, yes.

but for now, reason has to take over passion.

it was difficult to do it 2 weeks before our 2nd anniversary, but i had to do it. it was uncomfortable not wearing the ring, but i had to remove it. it hurt a lot, and i cried a lot, but i had to endure it. i believe it's for our best interest, for our growth.

i'm grateful i have the sisses with me. they've given me the support i've needed for the last days, and given me the necessary activities to keep me busy for the coming weeks and months. i've somehow survived because of them, and with them, i hope to overcome this major obstacle in my life.

my family is really sad over it. even my brother, who is seriously apathetic about my personal life, was being teased by my cousin that he's sad over it because my brother wants him to be his brother-in-law. so much for that now, at least for this time. i'm still too weak to carry on, too tired to even try, and too afraid to think of the future. as for now, i will be striving to do my thesis, render service to the Sorority, spend as much time with the sisses as possible, renew old ties, sing with the choir more often, look forward to upcoming events and happy moments, forgive and learn, but never forget.

for as long as i have music
as long as there's a song for me to sing
i can find my way, i can see a brighter day
the music in my life will set my spirit free

i love you pa

2006-06-18T13:00:00.000-07:00

everything that we've been through has made us stronger and closer. you're my best friend, my lover, my companion, my drinking buddy, my vice partner. i love you so much. i'm sorry for my mistakes, my weaknesses and my faults. i'll make up for all of them. i miss you already although you just left an hour ago. i'll see you tomorrow baby.

would you, could you

2006-05-30T12:39:00.000-07:00

would you care for me like you cared for her?
would you love me like he did?
would you risk your security just to take me home?
would you risk your life just to get to me?

could you walk a thousand miles just to see me?
could you let go of her just to be with me?
could you take me to a ball and introduce me as your girl?
could you reach for my hand in my time of sorrow?

would you sneak out into the night to have coffee with me?
could you look into my eyes when you're talking to me?
would you face my family like i would yours?
could you look into my eyes and say, "i'm yours"?

it was never easy, it will never be
things will always be complicated in the situation that we're in
but you just have to tell me that you would and you could
i'll take the risk, you'll know i would

back to school

2006-05-27T10:18:00.000-07:00

yep that's right. i'm going back to school.

i just resigned from marcus evans even though it almost broke my heart to leave the office on my last day. i'm going back full time to school this coming semester to finish my MA thesis, hopefully i can do it this whole academic year. i'll be doing an experiment on human relations, although i don't know how to do it. i'm looking for a part time job right now so i can concentrate on my studies while at the same time, not asking allowance from my parents.

my studies are my priorities right now because 2 years of academic studies for my graduate program might go to waste if i don't get to finish my thesis. i'm very lucky to have a good boss like johan who still invited me to join them for drinks every week after their work. i'll sure miss them, but maybe i can touch base with the sisses again after a long time of not being with them.

***

on the family side, my parents are getting married again this october to celebrate their 25th anniversary. all of us are very excited at the idea of the celebration, with ashley and lorraine being the flower girls. i'll be going around the metro this coming week to check on hotels and other reception places available for the date. the choir will sure be busy for the rest of the year, with a debut and 3 weddings to sing in starting june to december. add to that the church concert where we might participate in if the schedule is fixed. whew! quite a hectic life for me then, acads during the week, choir and R&R during weekends. i'm just glad that everybody's happy right now.

***

jc & i are celebrating our 2nd anniversary this july. i hope to be able to save some money for our anniversary so we can celebrate it properly. he's been the most understanding, albeit seloso, boyfriend to me, especially this last year where we experienced the most dramatic changes in our lives. i love you pa!

***

i just learned from my cousin who's a close friend of this certain guy, a very common friend to almost everybody, that he was at his birthday and met not one but TWO of my hatest girls in UP! imagine that! not one but two! so met this bitch-slut first who let him see her almost naked pictures and who is having an affair or fling with a married man right now. after he brushed her off, he met this bitch-whore with her ugly friend, who was having a good time being surrounded by many guys. he was already warned, thankfully, of the reputation of the two bitches, so he was not carried away by their presence. and of course, i also told him of the many stories i know of the girls, with some being my personal experiences. i just hope i don't get to meet them through my cousin, because i'll surely let them feel inferior to the beautiful doctor girlfriend of my kuya. ha! beat that! (i'm sure some of you especially you sisses, are wondering who these two are. i'll tell you when i get to see you this coming enrollment!)

a complicated life

2006-05-14T09:39:00.000-07:00

i just started work at marcus evans. i'm tremendously enjoying the job (maybe more of the company of colleagues) although i'm always trembling whenever johan is at his seat, which is in front of mine. i've had my share of tears, seen sales and resignations. i'm learning something new everyday. i've gotten frustrated, happy, sad and excited, although i've yet to see my first booking form and hit my first gong. but just as i was getting settled in my newly found makati life, with all the complexities of commuting to and from work through fx, jeep and the mrt, life chooses to make me think again and evaluate where i am now and whether i am where i want to be.

i just got an offer to study law and have work at the same time. a good soul will pay for my law school tuition fee and give me work at a government agency as soon as i get my civil service qualification. jc and i already have a sched for the civil service exam. i just learned that i still have 12 units to go before being accepted to law (of course after the lae!) because i was busy filling my free elective units with educ courses during my undergrad days that i didn't take the necessary english and history/economics courses. being a psych grad, i need to fulfill required units of certain subjects before admission to law. that means i have to study undergrad classes again. then there is the question of my MA thesis - should i or should i not finish it? i still have to talk to my adviser about it. i'm really getting confused.

law has always been on my mind. and whether or not an offer to study for free came up, i will still take the lae because it was tito nick's last bilin to me before he died. law is in my blood, and i've always wanted to be a lawyer. but life has certain turns and bumps that i ended up taking my MA instead. i'm not regretting that i did it because i certainly enjoyed my graduate days. but then, after hitting 24 and being in a steady and very stable relationship, i ask myself whether i can still take 4-5 years of studying. can i do it? can jc and i withstand the test of time and pressure? as a friend, he is pushing me to take up the offer. but as a boyfriend, there will always be the worry and anxiety of making it through the difficult years of working and studying. on the other side, this will give us 4-5 more years of saving up for our future. my maternal instincts are as strong as ever. i want to have a family of my own. then again, i don't want to be 35, be a mom and career woman, regretting not taking up law. i know that this is an investment for my own future, without my or my family having to shed money for it.

i don't know what to do right now. i have to consult my MA adviser first before anything. then get ready to prepare myself for lae by attending review classes, then taking up the undergrad courses that i need. i have to find part time work that will give me the financial stability that i need while i'm studying. i'm doing it for my future. i know that jc will be beside me, as he always has. i'm lucky to have the family and friends that i have. i don't want to let them down anymore.

taking the risk

2006-04-03T19:09:00.000-07:00

sis, are you a risk taker?

somebody asked me this question last night, over beer, sisig and lala fish crackers at meatshop. we've been going there last week and since i'm a bum until the 18th of this month, i've been spending time with the younger sisters and the top 3 officers for next year. it's the season of love in the sorority, with the sisses all having their kilig moments just right after the ball. however, one of them cried last night. and as all of us had something to do with her during her amuyong days (sponsor, batchmate, ISP, top 3 officers), we were all affected and getting teary eyed.

i've always been a believer of taking risks. i don't want to grow old looking back at my younger days wishing i did something i didn't, or regretting that i didn't take the leap of faith when i should have. i wouldn't be in this relationship with jc right now if i didn't take the risk. i wouldn't be selling the school, the business being my comfort zone, if i wasn't taking the risk. as i've said to my interviewer at marcus evans, andre, the other week, i'm still young and i have the luxury of getting crazy with my choices and decisions in life. but i'm careful about getting careless. indeed, i believe in taking calculated risks, in taking rides that are worth the fall.

i've been taking risks my whole life and it would be a pity to stop now. as long as i'm single and i'm not yet responsible for another life (aka my own child), i would take the risk without batting an eyelash. when in doubt, all out. there's nothing wrong in hoping, just don't get your hopes too high that it would crush your heart and put a permanent dent on it when you fall. somehow, i see the logic in patrick's belief that he'll only fall for someone who's willing to catch him. then again, i believe that crying, getting hurt and moving on are all part of life. it's a normal part of development to crawl before walking, and to fall while learning to walk. in some sense, we are all tightrope walkers. it's a risk getting yourself that high, nothing to protect you, no one to hold you for support. but knowing that i have my family, friends and sisters are willing to catch me when i fall, cry and drink with me when i get hurt, and be giddy with me when i'm getting weak again, i will always take the risk. indeed, i'm a risk taker. calculated risks.

should i should i not?

2006-04-02T20:10:00.000-07:00

tigilan niyo kami!

2006-02-27T19:03:00.000-08:00

ang buhay nga naman.

i read somewhere that kids throw stones only at trees that bear fruit. maybe that's why people notice us, and our members who have become productive and famous because of what they do.

spare us the insecurity, my dears. we're not doing anything to hurt you. in fact, we're trying our best to contribute to the UP community. if you can't stand the fact that we're doing SOMETHING and you're not, then i'm sorry for you. i pity you. call me mababaw for reacting to what you said, but i'm not going to take everything you said about us and my sisses sitting down. i'm not going to give you the benefit of the doubt since you pose yourself as someone knowledgable. in short, nagmamarunong ka nang wala kang alam.

you make me laugh, my dear, and you make me furious at the same time. you can't forever deny your identity. i'll find out who you are. and no matter how your brods defend you or your identity, you can't forever hide from us.

be afraid. be very afraid.

all in a week!

2006-02-22T06:54:00.000-08:00

i'm recovering from flu-that-didn't-push-through-because-the-medicine-caught-it-on-time. it's been one hell of a week, probably the busiest i had, but definitely one of the, if not the most, fun.

tuesday
the open tambayan of the Sigma Beta Sorority was a success. sobrang bongga. hehe. everything was catered and the sisses and our friends were there to celebrate the 74th anniversary of the sorority. jc & i went home around 9:30pm. he went straight to work while i played poker with my brother and some of his friends.

wednesday
was in UP by 5pm. met up with janis to talk about the previous night's "episode" with bryan. (it's not my story to tell. hehehe.) talked till dark while the sisses had their last meeting before the fair. caught up with diane at the tambayan. pia and i went down to the sunken garden for masig's fair around 7 or 7:30. got in without a hitch (thanks guys!), got dinner for verj, had dinner myself, got dinner for jc, numbered the tickets (which, weirdly, had no control numbers in them!), prepared flyers which the other sisses and the kenny rogers staff distributed, went around with jc throughout the night, and stayed until past 4am because i had to wait for him to be done with the counting. he wanted to attend the meeting still, but i persuaded him that i had to go home already because my mom would soon be waking up! got home around 4:30am.

thursday
was in UP by around 3:30pm. met up with the sisses at the sunken garden. we prepared the stage, put up the tarps, the posters and teasers, streamers, discussed the security plans with GK, calmed some nerves, smoked a lot, finalized some details, and went to work. i was stationed at the service entrance, where some of the most stubborn people enter. grrrrr! this year's duty was much smoother than last year, when candice and i really had to shout at the people. i left my post for some time to look for fireworks. i was unsuccessful at my attempt. thankfully, my friend joshua had a contact who had 1 last box of fireworks. it was insanely expensive for its price, but at least we had one. sisfire wouldn't be the same if there were no fireworks. after that, i went around checking the backstage, checking the sisses, until i settled at the booth to look after the sisses' things. there were many people, fewer than last year, but still, the ground was full. some issues came up during the night, but that's still for us to discuss. i'm looking forward to the post-event meeting. after all the bands have played (with pupil taking the stage last, special mention to the bitchy wife of ely buendia who talked as if she owned the world!), we went back to the booth, counted the stubs for tabulation, fixed some things, and i went home with jc. i was really tired and looking forward to our trip that i didn't wait for the sisses to be done. i left them past 4:30am.

friday
got home from the fair around 5am. jc went straight to the pc to kill time, i settled at the sofa and watched tv. we fixed ourselves around 5:30. we didn't even take a bath because of fatigue. we just had sponge baths, had breakfast and we were off to the airport by 6:30am to catch the morning flight to kalibo.

funny, but this was my first airplane ride. it was really fun to have it with jc. we were at the airport by around 7:30. we checked in our luggage and stayed at the coffee shop where we can smoke. got on the plane around 8:45 and waited. it was at first dizzying for me, but jc was holding my hand the whole time so i got through it. we landed in kalibo, had a cigarette first, and met up with ate gigi, jc's cousin. with no sleep yet, we went straight to a beach (i forgot the name of the place) to have lunch. we had the best liempo! we walked along the shore and hid to have a smoke again, and slept for almost an hour at the cottage because we were really tired from the previous 2 nights. we left the beach around 3:30pm and went back to malinao, to ate gigi's place, so we can rest. we slept again, after calling our families here in manila to inform them that we made it to kalibo safe and sound. we walked around the plaza during dusk and got caught in the rain. hahaha! we even fought nung gabi about attending the wake of prof ilio (college of engineering, up diliman) who is his cousin's uncle. we made up before going to bed and slept for more than 8 hours i think.

saturday
we woke up at 7am, went to prof's wake, went to his friend's place to check the car, had breakfast at the house and received the call that we can go to boracay already since our room has been vacated. wengweng (jc's friend) accompanied us to kalibo, where we rode a van to caticlan. it rained again at the port just as we were boarding the boat. we got to boracay around 10am. we walked for some time, had lunch, went to the beach, slept, woke up to have wine, walked around again, had dinner at pier one, went back to the room to drink more wine, and went to bed at 10pm. we were really early sleepers over there!

sunday
we woke up at 7am again and had breakfast at the inn where we were staying. i woke up with a funny feeling and upset stomach. we went back upstairs right after eating because i was having cramps - - - MENSTRUAL CRAMPS! my first morning in boracay and i had to have my period on that very day! knowing my histroy with dysmenorrhoea, jc set out to buy midol. it was funny how the salesladies at one drugstore there didn't know what midol was or what it was for. he had to wait for some of the stores to open. he got back after around 45 minutes, gave me my meds and stayed by my side until i came to my senses again. i was so knocked out i got up at 1pm already. we had lunch at bite club and went for a swim again. he was even joking that my menstruation might attract the sharks to the shore. yikes!

we slept the whole afternoon and had early dinner around 5 or 6pm at mongkok (?), or whatever that dimsum place is called. we had pictures taken beside the sand castles. hehe. we had wine again at the room and had late dinner at pier one again. we were so tired because of the long walks that we attempted to ride a tricycle. but the driver wanted to charge P40 for the ride from station 1 to station 3! we ditched the plan and just walked back to the room. i wasn't feeling very well that night but i thought it was just because of my cramps. but i was sure wrong...

monday
our last day in boracay. we had planned on going for a swim the whole morning before we leave. guess what? i woke up with flu! we had to call ate gigi to inform her that i was sick. jc had to go to the drugstore again to get bioflu and biogesic while i waited for our breakfast orders to come. we packed before going down around 10am and brought everything with us so we wouldn't have to go up the room again. after eating, we walked towards d'mall and bought a hand-painted boracay shirt for my dad. we caught the boat going back to caticlan that same morning. it was funny how the porters carried us on their SHOULDERS (gasp!) for us to get on to the boat. it was parked far from the shore and we were sure that we'd get wet. we were so surprised when we were suddenly lifted by the porters. imagine us (big us!) with our big back packs being literally swept off our feet towards the boat. it was a funny scene. haha! the ride back to caticlan was uneventful and i was (as usual) asleep on our way back to kalibo. when i woke up, i was feeling a bit better. we got off the van terminal, rode a tricycle towards the cathedral. we went inside the church to pray and take pictures. we met ate gigi and the others at jollibee, had lunch at mary's, and watched the ati-atihan with the dep ed delegates (there was a convention going on at that time). it was 1pm and the sun was scorching hot i felt terrible again. i had to convince jc that i wanted to go home already. we left for malinao again and i rested for the whole afternoon. we had dinner, played some billiards, went around the plaza on a pedicab (sidecar), and i went to bed again. jc dutifully made me take my medicine every after 4 hours. he alarmed his phone every 4 hours so he'll wake up to wake me up so i can take bioflu on time.

tuesday
our last day in aklan. i got up at 7am feeling a lot better because of the rest i got. we watched tv and caught up with the latest news in the country. they even got pinoy big brother 24 hours there! haha! we left for kalibo that morning to buy our pasalubong. we went to the market place and bought native delicacies, sarong lamps (i'm not sure how it's called) and key chains for our officemates, relatives and friends. when we got back, jc got to rest while i packed our things and just watched tv. we left malinao at 2pm for the airport.

we got to the kalibo airport around 2:30. we checked in our baggage and were 3 kilos in excess! we're lucky our porters were really nice and talked the boarding guy into letting our excess baggage in for free. since we got extra time, we (together with ate gigi and nang aning) went around the stores in the airport (which sold their goods at a 100% markup!). we bought some things for ana, jorel and ashley. funny how we forgot to buy pasalubong for them. hehe. we had some refreshments before boarding the plane. we left kalibo at 4:30pm. there was turbulence over laguna because of the rains, but we landed safely. i wanted to smoke before meeting jc's family, but they were already there when we arrived so there was no time for that.

we went to pasig and dropped off the padala from ate gigi. we owe so much to anang because even though she was here in manila, she made sure that our stay in kalibo was hassle free. she took care of our house both in malinao and in boracay, she made sure we were served the food that we liked, and even instructed ate gigi to buy the crabs and liempo for my family. we left pasig almost as soon as we got there because i was still sick and had to rest already.

we got home (project 6) around 8pm and eagerly unloaded our bags to distribute pasalubong. we even called elmer to tell him that we got pasalubong for ashley so they'd come. they really liked the liempo we brought from kalibo while lj ate the crabs. elmer, ayie and i stayed out most of the time to smoke (while i was coughing like mad) and jc was playing dota (i think). my brother was beside him the whole time and was like a commentator on what was happening on the game. i was tired that by the time elmer, ayie and ashley left the place (it was late already since ashley wanted to do her homework here at our place) i was really knocked out. i was ready to sleep here at the sofa (couldn't stand the air conditioning upstairs) and jc was still playing, i had to almost force him to leave. hahaha! it was already 2:30 am when the cab came to pick him up.

post script
this concludes our aklan trip, the 3rd out of town trip we've taken since we became a couple. it's becoming a motivation for us to save, so we can have some alone time together. it was fun meeting his relatives, and his family's friends, at aklan. it was fun to have a simple life, to have simple needs, and be with people you love. it would have been more fun had i not been sick, but out of that misfortune i saw another side of jc i hadn't seen before - i saw how really devoted he was to me. he sacrificed his sleep just so i can take my meds on time. he was not able to rest worrying about me and taking care of my every need. i saw that he deeply cared for me, not only during the times that i can take care of him, but even during the time that i couldn't. i saw how his relatives loved him, and loved me in turn. they took care of us and made sure we were comfortable the whole time we were there. i think we took our relationship to another level because of this trip. we have already involved our families in our relationship. it's a big step, we know, but we're ready to take it. we'll continue taking risks, as long as we're holding each other's hand. there will be bumpy roads ahead, but we'll make it... and in just the same way that we held hands when we hit a rough patch over laguna, we'll make it home safe, together.

my so called life

2006-01-31T08:32:00.000-08:00

it's really been a long time since i blogged... almost a month na! jc is asleep at his apartment right now. i finally got some alone time with the pc so i have time to write this probably long blog. so much has happened since christmas and it's fun to reminisce what i've been doing the last few weeks.

jc & i
after spending christmas and new year together, we went back to the pre-holiday routine of seeing each other when our schedule permits it, eating out when we can, going to UP for an afternoon tambay, shopping for groceries and other household stuff, and cleaning his apartment. the last task has been made more difficult because of the many clutters of his studio pad. good thing we brought the microwave oven back to pasig this weekend, we have much more space now. we're definitely pushing through with the aklan/boracay trip this coming february (of course after their and our fair nights!). sadly, we will be missing my niece ashley's birthday. sayang! elmer & ayie promised an inuman session till the following morning pa naman. oh well. i guess bawi na lang kami on ayie's birthday. i'm so excited since we already got the whole vacation planned out. it's a bit sad though because his aunt, who we were supposed to visit, got operated on and is still here in manila. they made us push through with the trip because jc's cousins are waiting for us in aklan. i'm doing nightly exercises already, desperately hoping that my fast weight-losing abilities will pull me out of this fat body. hehe.

funshine
i spoke with kim (my cousin's husband, a Danish national) about my center. we got a whole game plan going and i'm excited with the possibilities. to put it simply, we're putting up a foundation for special children who come from underprivileged families. it's tough, as i'm still working at the center and still doing my thesis (which has not improved, by the way). but it's really a great opportunity to work with one of the finest and wisest businessmen i've known, and the most generous indeed.

my beloved sorority sisters
we have been "stalking" this girl for a month since classes resumed and still, i haven't seen her yet! not even at the place that we've been frequenting! why is it that when she's there, only pia and cj are around? malas ko naman! there was even a time that i was telling my brother that we're going to a rumble. haha! seriously, pia's KANSER should really stop. although it's fun talking about the GIRL and trying to stalk her, it's getting difficult on my part since i feel that i'm caught up in the middle of everything. speaking of the sisters, of course everybody's busy with SISFIRE 4!!! on top of that, the residents are busy preparing the book launch of an elder sis and studying and meeting up with sponsors and bands at the same time! i'm looking forward to the fair night! CHIKA MINUTE: election time is near! pia and i have been discussing things, talking to some sisters... basta! i'm excited and worried and surprised all at the same time! basta sisses, i'm just here to listen to your angst and worries and problems, and give advise if needed!

ashley, lorraine, xavier and paolo
my beautiful nieces and handsome nephews were finally together here in manila (with the exception of kaia who's still in canada). although xavier and paolo are already in singapore, they will come home again this year for wedding/s. it was really fun seeing them play together, swim and just basically having fun. ashley was so good talaga she was talking to xavier in english! i didn't even know she spoke straight english already! i'm hoping to accompany her and ayie soon to STC so we could start with the enrollment process. my "babies" are growing up so fast, they will be taking care of my real babies by the time i have them!

more kuwento next time... i'm stalking the GIRL in cyberspace. hahahaha!!!

bitch mode: DON'T HATE US BECAUSE WE'RE BEAUTIFUL. HATE US BECAUSE YOUR BOYFRIEND / SO-CALLED-BOYFRIEND THINKS SO!

a happy christmas

2005-12-25T11:44:00.000-08:00

last saturday night, i spent christmas eve with my family. but for the first time, we spent it at ayala alabang where my cousin now lives, and with a boyfriend. this is the first christmas eve that jc and i spent together as his parents were in aklan. it was a family treat. with everybody there save for those who are abroad, we had a good time laughing, eating, drinking, playing cards, playing with the nieces, singing, exchanging gifts, and basically just having fun with each other. some of us even went to the tiangge beside the village church to do last minute shopping for gifts.

i'm thankful for the gift of family who showers me with love and support all the time. i'm more thankful that they showed the same thing to jc, who i hope felt that he was with family even though we were not his relatives.

i'm thankful for the gift of friendship brought by family. i've never found a more fun companion for shopping thank ayie, a more generous person than kim, and a more accommodating in-law than marcel. they have all become part of my world that christmas without them in the future wouldn't be the same.

more than the gifts that we receive, what is more important is the reason behind giving and receiving them. as my mother said in a prayer before we partook of the noche buena, may we always remember that christmas is about the birth of Christ, not ours.

i hope that everybody had a good christmas like me. i hope that everyone will be able to enjoy christmas in the same way that i did.

a happy christmas to all!

before and after

2005-12-12T10:09:00.000-08:00

i've been suffering from depression and insomnia ever since the thought struck me that i can't handle the school any more. there were so many factors that i was unprepared for that i had to face the reality that maybe i was really too young to plunge into the business. it's becoming a dirty one, unlike years ago when marisol was still handling it. i'm tired of having to think of the financial side of everything. although i know it's a necessity, i'm tired of worrying about the rent, bills, salaries and everything else. i'm really tired. i'm not quitting, i'll just take a break. i need a breather to clear my mind, at least until i can sleep peacefully at night. i had to be taken to a hospital the other week because i couldn't breathe. doctors say it was muscle pain, brought by stress. my mom says it's breakdown.

i just came back from bicol to try the bags business with jc and ate cleng. maybe for now, while i'm trying to find work, it'll keep me busy. i'm trying to try to break into the corporate world without becoming a corporate slave. i'm really lucky to have a supporting family, a loving boyfriend and really warm friends who keep me sane when all else fails. i may be failing in some things, but i'm successful in the areas that really matter. after everything else, i still feel loved and wanted. i just need a break, a really long one. i need time to find myself. maybe after then, i can sleep at night.

confusion & frustration

2005-10-04T10:44:00.000-07:00

i don't know what's been happening to me but the past weeks (2 months to be exact) have been very routine. the problem is, "routine" is almost synonymous with frustration and worry to me. i'm starting to get disillusioned by the system. i've always said that i will serve the country the best way i can until i can, and then i get frustrated. i'm thinking of moving to another country, where i can have a fresh start. i don't know. i can't sleep at night (my regular sleeping time has moved to a later 3am) because of my problems... bills... rent... salary... it's so frustrating why life has to revolve around money. aside from the occasional cards & basketball that i do, i still find myself thinking about my future and my family's future, whether i'm surfing the net, plying commonwealth avenue to and from work, watching the tv, i still worry about the future. my mind seems to betray me. i need something to breathe life into me again. i don't know what, when or how long it takes. i need something, badly.

new life

2005-09-11T08:33:00.000-07:00

i'm in a time of confusion right now. everything is either or, neither nor. i know you don't get what i mean. but probably frances, MIS, my girl cousins and jc would know. i'm so excited to know what's going on, but i'll wait for a few more days until jc & i can find time to meet the news together. i'm at a crossroad in my life right now, at least i believe i am. i have my family with me, jc by my side, and friends who are all willing to be my partners in a new life i'm going to undertake (if my hunches are correct). i'll give everybody the news once i confirm it, but for now, pray for me. i'll need all the prayers i can get, starting now. and not just for me. =)

pinoy na pinoy = basketball & tongits!

2005-08-23T09:51:00.000-07:00

natuto ako magbaraha nung grade 2 ako, pusoy dos. turo ng tita ko. grade 6 ako ng natuto ako magtongits, sa isang van patungong baguio kasama mga pinsan ko. nagsimula kami magsugal (meaning, larong may pera nang involved) nung high school ako. piso piso lang, or dos dos. ngayon, halos araw-araw ay nagsusugal na ko. sa bahay tongits, kasama ang tito, tita, pinsan o kumpare ko (sa kahit anong kombinasyon). minsan kasama din yung mga kapitbahay namin na tropa ng kapatid ko o ng tito ko. kapag andito si daddy sa pilipinas, kasama din sha. lately, nadagdag ang poker sa mga nilalaro namin. once a week, poker night. officially, thursday yun. minsan nababago, depende sa timpla ng panahon. basta pag may nagtext na "all in", yun na yun. dito, kasama kaming magpipinsan, tropa ng kapatid ko, kapitbahay, kumpare at kumare.

may time na hindi ako nagsusugal, kapag tumatambay sa up. hindi kasi nagsusugal mga sis e. pati nga piso piso ayaw patusin. so tahimik ako dun. pero kapag sinuswerte ka nga naman (o minamalas, hehe!) makakakilala ka talaga ng mga tao na mahilig din sa baraha. si jc nagsusugal, pero minsan lang, kaya ako lagi kalaro ng mga brods niya. minsan pusoy, madalas poker. kapag inabot kami ng ulan at stranded sa tambayan, inaabot kami ng mga 9pm kakapoker. nawala na nga yung poker chips e. hassle.

-----

namulat ako sa basketball nung bata pa ko. die hard ginebra fans ang daddy ko at ang pinsan ko. iniiyakan ng pinsan kapat natatalo ang ginebra, baka daw kasi hindi makatulog si jaworski. nung nagkamalay na ko, sinundan ko ang purefoods. mahal na mahal ko si patrimonio, codiñera, racela, ravena at shempre si ticzon. naiiyak ako kapag natatalo sila. pero nawala ang interes ko sa pba nung nauso ang mga fil-ams.

nanumbalik ang basketball spirit sa ken last year, nang nag"date" kami ni jc sa uaap opening. matagal ko nang gusto manood ng live sa games ng up. dati may napanood nako, kasama ko si zandie. okray squad pa kami noon, pero ngayon, sobra ako makapagcheer sa games. sinisigawan ko ang referee kapag pangit ang tawag at minumura ko ang kalabang players kapag binabalya nila ang sinumang fighting maroon. hindi nako nakakanta mula nagsimula yung season 68, dahil lagi ako paos. kami ni jc laging paos. at ubos ang pera dahil sa pamasahe, tickets (na nagmahal na, lalo sa blue eagle gym!), at pagkain. pero ayos lang, masaya naman e. lalo kapag nananalo up.

---

marami naman ako natutunan sa kakasugal at kakanood ko ng basketball. siguro iniisip ng iba na para nakong boy talaga. san ka ba makakakita kasi ng babae na nagyoyosi, umiinom, nagsusugal at laging nanonood ng basketball? pero swerte na nga si jc saken e. at least wala kong reklamo kapag sha naman ang magbibisyo ng mga nabanggit ko. hehe. at least cowboy ako, low maintenance pa. hahaha! sa sugal, may cash in at cash out. sa basketball, puro cashout. pero parehong may feeling of fulfillment. puwera kapag talo. hehehe.

mga natutunan ko na applicable sa sugal at sa basketball:

> puwedeng mas magaling ka sa diskarte, pero talo ka pa rin kapag maswerte ang kalaban.
> hindi araw-araw pasko. mauubusan ka din ng swerte.
> kapag malas, puwede ka pa ring manalo kapag mas malas ang kalaban.
> a win is a win. ke malaki ang lamang o hindi, ang panalo ay panalo pa rin.
> puwedeng hindi madaan sa gulat ang laban, pero nadadaan sa intimidation. takot kumbaga.
> take advantage of lapses sa ginagawa ng kalaban.
> trust your instinct.
> kapag talunan, nowhere to go but UP (to borrow from a UP shirt design). may next time pa.
> always do (or watch) these things with people you trust. puwedeng hindi love, pero dapat yung nakakaintindi ng laro. mahirap magexplain kapag engrossed sa laro.

---

swerte ko talaga kay jc. saan pa ba ako makakahanap ng boyfriend na maiintindihan ang mga bisyo ko at sasamahan pa ko sa mga laro, ke sugal o basketball? swerte ko at nakakaintindi sha ng sugal at basketball, at kahit papano ay tanggap niya ang pagiging sugarol ko. kahit hindi niya gusto yun, at kahit hindi ko gusto na lagi kami sa patron umupo dahil nakakaubos na talaga ng pera yun, naiintindihan namin ang isa't isa. kahit papano, bonding na rin namin yun dahil iilang couples ba ang nakikita niyong magkatabi sa basketball game, magkatabi habang nagsusugal, nagsheshare ng yosi, at nagtotoast kapag umiinom? kapag may nakilala ako na ganun, sasabihin ko sa kanila, swerte niyo.

questions

2005-08-21T20:10:00.000-07:00

there are so many things bugging me from time to time, small things really, but sometimes i spend moments thinking about them, wondering what really are the answers to these questions, and resigning to the fact that sometimes, things are just better off left unanswered.

why is it very difficult to get up in the morning and very difficult to go to bed at night?

are we really all connected to each other? or is it a master plan that someone we know will always meet somebody else that we also know?

why is it that when we start working and earning money that's bigger than what we used to get during our college days, we don't get to save anything and end up with money just enough to last us till the next payday?

why do students want to work and employees want to study again?

why can't i start doing my thesis?

why isn't the UP MBT playing consistently?

what am i going to do with my life? go to law or finish my MA?

why do others envy the sisses? really. they hate us. and we hate them just the same. haha!

why is it more difficult to stay in touch nowadays even with the onset of sms & the net?

why do mondays get me down?

life after the storms

2005-08-16T20:27:00.000-07:00

it’s been a long time since i’ve blogged. it’s not because i’ve grown tired of writing, but because the pc at home crashed and needed reformatting at least 5x in the last 3 months (and this is right after we got our dsl, so saying lang yung dsl namin!), then i was busy with the center transferring homes, and lot of other things. so here i am, blogging again, hoping to get in touch with the writer in me, so i can get the kick i need to start my MA thesis.

love lost and love found again

i broke with jc last june because of so many things. a few weeks passed and during those weeks, i really felt the love of jc’s brods for him. imagine being hounded by text messages every now and then asking me what happened, if there’s any chance that the two of us will get back together, ganyan. even my family was affected, my dad the most, since he really likes jc for me. i felt that we became better friends when we parted ways, kasi nakakapaglokohan na kami sa isa’t isa and there was no pressure to live up to anything whatsoever.
one Friday morning, i got a call from my cousin saying that she wants me to talk to somebody. lo and behold she was with jc. they bumped unto each other in libis where my cousin was fixing up the place for an event, and jc had just finished work. they talked and my cousin invited jc to attend the event. since i promised jc that if i win in tongits i’ll treat him to dinner, i decided that our dinner during the event will be on me. that started it all. we got to talk about what happened between us. the following day, Saturday, i went around metro manila and distributed letters & flyers to doctors for the center. again, jc was with me. he was really surprised when i picked him up at libis after work. it really was a road trip. haha. during that week, a Wednesday, we went to madrigal grill with his brods. suddenly it hit me. everything was perfect. i felt that this is where i belong, where i should be, and nowhere else. and i knew that i was ready to take the risk again.
we celebrated our first anniversary last month, and we’re celebrating our 13th month today. we’re saving already for the future (since we have a target savings pagdating ng april 2006). everything’s alright, not perfect, but more than good definitely. thank you to all who loved us after everything, especially to his brods who never left his side when the going got tough.

uaap basketball

we’ve been spending hundreds of pesos every week for the uaap basketball following the games of the up fighting maroons. there have been disappointing losses and heart-stopping wins. the team may not be spectacular but this is truly one way of bonding with jc, and with my sister as well (who has been following marvin cruz only). every game (and every television appearance!) is a testimony of how jc & i were really made for each other. other couples may go to the mall, shop, dine, watch movies. we go to araneta or to the blue eagle gym and shout UP FIGHT!

moving out and moving on

after months of not blogging, i’ve seen the sisses move out and move on to different places and from different things.
Ø pia & frances have moved out of the mapagkawanggawa apartment and transferred to sikatuna vill with tetel, rolly, kram and carla
Ø carla moved out of the sikatuna apartment and transferred to i don’t know where
Ø frances left the sikatuna apartment and moved to her tita’s place in sta. mesa heights
Ø carla left her inquirer job and is now working for another company (yata!) while studying as a freshman at the UP College of Law
Ø i’m finally doing my thesis!
Ø jc & i are moving on to more serious things, saving up for a hopefully earlier-than-expected wedding
Ø pia hasn’t moved on yet from her affairs/flings with r and v. haha!

FRANCES & I ARE NOT MOVING ON AND FORGETTING THE SORORITY. we are part of the Sigma Beta family. family means correcting one’s own member. if others can simply say that we shouldn’t be meddling with the resident sisters, then i’m sorry for them. feeling niyo ang galing niyo at ang laki ng contribution sa soro. utang na loob ha! residente kami ni frances kaya puwede kami makialam. palibhasa, yung buhay lang nung mga lalaking magic words ang gusto mong pakialaman, kaya sila ang pinagtatanggol mo at hindi ang mga sis mo. nakakabwisit ka. halika dito sa maynila at magsagutan tayo, tignan natin kung sino tataob. persona non grata ka! wala kang utang na loob. kuwentahan ba to? yan ba ang turing mo sa sorority at sa mga sis mo?

hay naku. ang gulo talaga ng buhay. pero ayos lang, kasi kasama ko pa ring ang mga taong tunay na nagmamahal sa ken. and i'm happy. =)

a time to be grateful

2005-05-15T11:37:00.000-07:00

i haven't been blogging for the last month or so because of many reasons. first, the finals week passed. as i was doing the last 9 academic units of my degree program, i wanted to end my acad year with a blast. i really studied hard, with blood, sweat and tears going into my final exams. after getting my class cards and finding out i got high grades ( i got my first uno for a major since entering UP!), our pc got busted. after a week, we got it back from the repair shop, and dsl was installed. finally, fast internet access! but no, my siblings downloaded all those stuff that now, the pc keeps on hanging. that's why i'm using the laptop right now.

the thing that kept me really busy and occupied was the Center. i've suffered financial difficulties in the past, but never as difficult as the one i'm experiencing now. with a competition opening in our area soon, financial obligations and withdrawal of some students, i was faced with a question that would make or break my forseeable future: do i continue with this or not?

to continue with the Center would mean a renewed and reenergized commitment to serving the students. i don't care about the financial difficulties i personally experience, but i can't let my teachers down. continuing with this would mean longer office hours, intense marketing and advertising, and a competitive edge over the other centers. but how will i do that without a presentable place? so we looked for a possible new location of the center. after more than a week, i still haven't found the place. i felt so down that i considered quitting.

to discontinue with the Center would mean coming up with funds to pay for my many financial obligations, informing my teachers at this late a time that they won't have jobs in two weeks, finding a new work (which would mean fixing numerous paperworks) to provide for myself, and more importantly, letting go of the emotional invested i've put to the Center. it was a difficult decision.

i talked to my parents about it on the first night i could talk after being sick with flu, coughs, colds and tonsillitis for two weeks. we decided to give it a try. last night, i told them that if we find a place that we would like at first sight, get in touch with the owner and strike a good deal with them, i will continue with this work.

and continue with this i will.

after seeing just the fence and grass outside, i fell in love with the place. it was slightly more expensive than my present location, but it was definitely better... lots better. bigger rooms, newer house, better electrical wiring and plenty of water, it was a dream come true. plans started coming to my and my parents' minds... where will i put my office... who will occupy the rooms... how many wall fans are needed... where can the children play... how will we divide the rooms... how will the gate look like if we paint it... what changes do i have to make in my logo and letterhead...

the house gave me new lease in life. my parents came up with a plan that will give me enough money to pay my obligations, purchase new equipment and facilities, fund the marketing plans and pay the downpayment for the house, which isn't exactly cheap as i have to pay for 4 months (1 month advance, 2 months deposit). but we have a game plan. and i got energized.

in five hours (should have been 3 or 4, damn the pc), i was able to write the letter to the barangay, letter to parents, flyers for marketing, and more importantly, my project proposal to possible donors and sponsors.

i've never seen this light before, that i can make this happen. jc made me want to continue, to see the possibilities of a new school year wherein my loans would be paid off (i'm ending a bank loan this may, and another one in july, so that's less expense). i wanted to quit, i was supposed to quit the other day after getting an awful text, but he made me see the other side of the coin. teacher cha and teacher golda sent me messages renewing their commitment to the Center, and coming up with plans that would help us in our marketing strategies. teacher golda & teacher billy patiently listened to me yesterday as i yakked about my plans, coming up with nothing concrete as i have really nothing. but still they braved the scorching sun and travelled to my place to air their concerns and listen to my sentiments. they have been strong for me, and if not for them, i would have given up long, long ago.

i see a hopeful future ahead. i prayed last night and asked for a sign, something i haven't done in a long time. i prayed that if He presents to me a house that will be our home for the next years, then i will continue with this. and He did. it was perfect. even my parents agree with me. we fell in love with it the moment the car stopped in front of the green gate and white fence. i have so many plans, and am slowly laying them out, trying to achieve them one by one. i won't be alone in my journey to serving children with special needs, for i certainly can't do it alone. i will be with many people who believe in me and in the Center's thrust to education.

for daddy, mommy, jc, the teachers, the parents, the caregivers and most especially the students, i'm not giving up. i'll be turning a new leaf, and will continue on serving.

seeing other sights and tasting other flavors

2005-02-27T07:25:00.000-08:00

it's been a long time since i blogged. so many things have happened in the last weeks that i haven't had time to blog. but here i am now. pardon the musings of a girlfriend who's at home while her boyfriend is out in libis partying with his brods. =)

since i confirmed that i will be graduating on time more than two years ago, i planned my life according to three important questions i had to answer for and by myself: (1) what do i want to do after getting my BA degree? (2) what do i see myself doing after 5, 10 and 20 years? and (3) where really is my passion? i was sure of three things then, that (1) i'm not going to med school, (2) i'm not going to law school, at least not right after graduation, and (3) i can't stand the corporate world because i'm not a good ass kisser and i can't stand being a corporate slave. hence, i took what i thought then was the next logical step for someone as not sure as me - i applied for MA in the psych dept. and i got in. then, a month before graduation, a tempting offer came - buy the sped center of a sis and become its new administrator by the coming academic year. because the center met the criteria i set for myself for the work i'll do, mainly (1) i'll deal with young people i can mold and whose lives i can touch, (2) i'll deal with the least possible corruption and ass kissing and (3) i'll be able to use what i've learned in college, i took the bait.

here i am, after two academic years of doing my masters and being the administrator of funshine. i'm 6 units shy of my MA degree. i passed the comps last november and i'm doing my thesis this coming june. where do i go from there?

after our baguio trip last december, jc & i fell so in love with the place that we thought of staying there after getting married. of course, it's far from everything we've become accustomed to, but it would be worth it. then another question bugged me: what do i do with the center if and when we do stay in baguio? and what will i do in baguio?

it was then that something inside me was awakened, a flame i've tried to put out a long time ago because of the seemingly endless better opportunities i have with my credentials (i'm not bragging but i'm confident i'm good): my dream of becoming a teacher. hence the semi decision, i'm going to teach psychology in UP Baguio.

it was a far fetched idea, something that won't possible come up until after two years maybe, after sitting down with my parents and planning the next move for the center, after getting my MA, after getting married. but God has other plans.

just last week, i saw an announcement at the psych dept - there's a job opening! the requirements were easy enough for me to meet: BA/MA/PhD in psychology, transcript of records in undergrad & grad (my grad grades are better than the undergrad!), resume, referrals from either former profs or employers (i can get recommendations from the dept chair of european languages, college secretary of chk and a phd holder from the department itself). i asked jc's opinion, my sisses' opinions, and my mom's opinion. they all agreed - give it a try. but God has other plans.

i spoke to my classmate who has applied before. my heart sank when she told me about her demo teaching - it was to be held with a panel of the department's phd's! talk about stress, anxiety and fear all at the same time! and worse, they would ask questions about your demo! in short, i got so afraid i didn't make any effort of fulfilling the requirements (apart from the resume) and planning to talk to the profs i was supposed to get my recommendation from. and then i learned the bitter truth: the deadline for application was today, march 15. i had nothing with me. no final resume, no transcript, not even a tcg, no recommendation. clearly, it's not my time yet.

but i still have my dream, my passion.

the Lord may be telling me to calm down and concentrate first on funshine and on my thesis. then maybe, just maybe, i will be given a chance to teach and to touch the lives of young people, to challenge and be challenged by young, idealistic minds, the best minds of the country. i would be going out of my comfort zone which is the center, where i can go to work at my own time, do things at my own pace and just make tambay pretending to work on many things (but i do work on many things naman e, not just everyday!). maybe, just maybe, i would muster the enough courage to try and not be afraid to fail, because maybe, just maybe, this is where everything is leading to. diliman is not baguio, but my dream is still alive. the flame was almost blown out because of my fears, but it was fanned alive by the people who believed that i could have done it had i tried. maybe, just maybe, i would be more confident someday of what i can do, and try seeing other sights, and try tasting other flavors.

hectic!

2005-02-25T11:00:00.000-08:00

ang tagal naming hindi nagpost ha! sobrang busy naman kasi... hindi ko maisip kung paano namin nagagawa ang lahat ng dapat gawin.

we celebrated the 73rd anniversary of Sigma Beta last Feb.14, Monday, with an open tambayan. ang daming pumunta, nagkaubusan na naman ng food. pero ang saya ha. some of us went to the fair to check the night. Masig night, so i went there for jc. asa stage kami ni johanna when parokya ni edgar played. ayos diba? ang gaganda ng mga lola niyo!

tuesday, feb15, kat resigned from alyansa. hay nako! nakakainis talaga! it was so unexpected that many people were shocked she wasn't running anymore because the party withdrew her candidacy. basta ganun.

tapos thursday, feb.17, night naman namin. utang na loob! nakakapagod pala talaga sa service entrance! kaya naman pala lahat ng mga sis na naaasign dun e ngarag after the night! salamat sa lahat ng mga tumulong at nagpunta. ang saya talaga! nakakatakot pa ring mag-antay sa labas before sindihan ang fireworks, dahil ang daming jologs, na nagulpi pa ng ibang fratmen friends namin. hahaha.

tapos just last night, feb.24, i had a beer-all-you-can dance party at basement to raise funds for funshine. salamat talaga kay Lord dinulog Niya ulit ang panalangin ko. sobrang kinabahan ako before the start of the event. pero salamat kay jc, teacher golda at mga kamag-anak niya, pia, frances, chona and cj, at pati na rin kay tey at sa friends niya sa pagpunta. you made the night more enjoyable. jc, you made the week bearable. i love you baby.

tapos this week din, i got a call from patrick, friend namin ng mga pinsan ko. may raket siya for me, and dinamay ko si pia, frances & tetel. we're handling the marketing and talents & entertainment details of a concert this may. we met up with him tuesday night to talk about the project and of course, our fees. pera ito!

tapos the following night, wednesday, i got a call from my cousins naman, ate cleng & ate emilie. they're preparing a presentation for essences of rustan's. if they get the deal, they'll handle all essences events for every month of this year starting may. and if they get the deal, i'll be working with them na rin until december. raket na naman ito. hehehe.

sa lahat ng kaguluhang naranasan ko ngayong week na to, all the ups and downs, pagkanerbyos at pagkatuwa, pag-iisip, pagtatanga, at lahat-lahat ng pinagdaanan ko, hindi umalis sa tabi ko si jc. abutin man ng madaling araw, ortigas, UP or fairview, hindi niya ko iniwan. lahat ng raket ko baby para sa ating 2. baka ito na yung hula ni manang na magkakapera na tayo. hehehe.

friendship, passion, romance and love

2005-02-09T08:27:00.000-08:00

Learn to love the people who are with you at present.Forget the people in the past and thank them for hurting you, which led you to love the people you have right now.

When you love someone, you'll do crazy things you can't explain, you'll deny the truth and believe in lies. When you love someone, you sacrifice, give everything you've got and don't think twice. You risk it all no matter what. We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in love in mutual weirdness and call it LOVE!

Everything in life is temporary because everything changes. That is why it takes courage to love, knowing it might end anytime...having faith will make it last.

Friends are not the one who laugh when you laugh and cry when you cry. They are the ones who make you laugh and stop you from crying.

They say when love knocks at your door, open it. But do you know that sometimes love enters through the back door and before you begin to notice it, it's on it's way out.

If you're afraid to love a person because of friendship, you have two choices; either tell what you feel and let love take its place or forever hide the feeling under a friendship full of pretenses.

It's best to wait for the one you want than settle for the one available. Best to wait for the one you love than the one who's around. Best to wait for the right one 'cause life's too short to be wasted on just someone.

Sometimes in life you find a special friend. Someone who changes your life just by being a part of it.Someone who makes you laugh till you can't stop.Someone who holds your hand and never lets you go alone in life.

TRUE: Lucky is the man who wins the first love of a woman but luckier is the woman who wins the last love of a man.

Love is not the right word to say when you feel guilty nor the right word to say when you like a person but love really matters when we share our thoughts, our minds, and our hearts.

Life has a way of changing things but not the joy that friendship brings, for friendship is like the shining moon, makes each night a brighter one.

Love is not for beauty or color of the skin, but for a heart that is loyal within, for beauty fades and the skin would grow old but a heart that is loyal will never turn cold.

A love is easy to feel, so hard to explain; so easy toget, so hard to let go; so easy to spell, so hard to define...and yet everyone is still taking the risk.That's love!

Never be afraid to fall in love. It may hurt a lot, it may give you aches and pain, but if you don't follow your heart; in the end you will cry even more for not giving love a chance.

Don't run ahead of God. Let Him direct your steps. He has plans and He has His time. God's clock is never one minute early nor one minute late. It always strikes right on time.

The past is meant to be used as a tool for the future.Bad experiences indeed make you bitter but the lessons learned should make you better.

When you find arms that will hold you at your weakest, eyes that will see you at your ugliest, lips that will kiss you in both instances, and a heart that will love you at your worst, then you have found true love.

Let go of the hand of the person you love, but don't let go of God's hand. For when you hold on to His hand, He may be holding the person you love on theother hand, to let you hold each other again.

Why do people say loving too much makes you stupid? It's because you'll always be wrong even if you're right. You're weak even if you're strong. You give without receiving. You cry, get pains but still say you're happy.

How would you know if you've fallen in love real hard? It's when someone hurts you and you love him still.Then he hurts you again to find out that you love him even more...

If you feel love, don't lose a grip on it, you'll never know the one you let go was the one you waited for all your life.

We can never understand joy till we feel sorrow, faith till we're tested, peace till we're faced withc onflicts, trust till we're betrayed, and love till it's gone.

Love is not a matter of finding the right person but rather creating the right relationship. The important question is not how much love there is at the beginning but how much there is at the end.

There are some who catch our site and only few who touch our hearts. Look into your heart and pursue the person you love for it's better to risk than just let love pass you by.

When everything seems to be unfair, when all that you do isn't appreciated, I'll take your hand, wipe away your tears, take you for a walk and tell you everything will be fine.

*** this was sent to me by jc through email. we've had tough times, much more than we expected, and certainly not what we expected to have during the first 6 months of our relationship. but we're still here. every day and every night is better than the previous one. every touch is lighter, every kiss is sweeter, every word is kinder. we're not perfect, and our relationship is not perfect. but we have faith. this coming 14th of february, he'll be with his fraternity for their fair night, and i'll be with the sisters for the sorority anniversary. a few steps between AS and sunken garden separates us, but before the night ends, we'll be together, hands holding tight. this will be our first UP Fair together. we plan to attend all nights, savor the moment, enjoy the music and company of our true friends, my sisses and his brods, and amidst the chaos, crowd and cold nights ahead, bask in the warmth of each others' love ***

si manang talaga o! umaano e!

2005-02-03T08:27:00.000-08:00

setting
gayuma, the quaint dessert place famous for their "better than sex" chocolate cake and other sex-sprinkled food concoctions. also famous for being the home of an equally famous manghuhula (hindi ito si madame auring!)

characters
me - 3rd time ko na to magpapahula kay manang
jc - 1st timer kay manang and sa buong hula scene
manang mely - sa wakas ay may pangalan na si "manang hula"

kagabi pa kami nagpa-appointment kay manang dahil hindi namin siya naabutan, at last week pa ata gusto magpahula ni jc. pagdating namin may hinuhulaan siya, tapos ako sumunod, tapos si jc naman. trivia lang kay manang ha: nahulaan niyang maaaksidente si baron geisler (yes naaksidente siya) at nahulaan din niyang mananalo yung mutya ng pilipinas ng 2004 or 2003 ata. sa akin naman, marami na siyang tumumpak na hula. but since my last hula was around february 2004, and may mga nagkatotoo na, i thought, why not diba? aside from the P300 fee, wala namang mawawala sa ken... although P300 is malaki na... hehe...

ito ang ilan sa mga hula ni manang sa akin at kay jc (beh wag ka magagalit ilalagay ko na rin yung mga hula sa yo dito ha?), at ang mga facts tungkol sa buhay namin. i swear ang freaky dahil pareho yung mga hula sa min, dahil pareho yung mga barahang lumabas samantalang hindi kami sabay nagpahula, asa labas ang isa while nagpapahula ang isa, hindi alam ni manang nung una na magkasama kami, at nakataob ang mga baraha (newly shuffled) habang pumipili kami. weird talaga.

my hula:
> may lalaki sa aking past na malandi. nadiscourage ako sa pag-ibig dahil sa kanya.
jc's hula:
> may babae sa kanyang past na mukhang masungit pero mabait naman.
fact:
> totoo to. pareho kaming may ex ni jc na hindi natuloy dahil sa mga hindi na ilalagay na dahilan. at totoo din na malandi yung lalaki ko in the past.

my hula:
> biglaan akong nagkaboyfriend, hindi ko inaasahan, at naghesitate pa ko nung simula. singkit at bilugan ang katawan, hindi kaputian.
jc's hula:
> biglaan ang pagdating ng girlfriend niya, mataas ang tingin ng ibang tao sa kanya
fact:
> biglaan ngang naging kami, hindi talaga inaasahan, at pareho kaming naghesitate nung simula. tignan niyo na lang ang picture niya para sa description. and being a Sigma Betan and former MIS, malamang lang merong mga taong mataas naman kahit papano ang tingin sa ken diba? hehe.

my hula:
> mabait ang boyfriend mo. matampuhin lang. kapag nagtatampo, hindi kumikibo.
jc's hula:
> mabait ka. matampuhin ka lang.
fact:
> ay nako totoo to! minsan di ko nga alam galit na pala si jc, e hindi naman kasi siya nagsasalita.

my hula:
> may binigay siya sa king isusuot. either singsing or kwintas.
fact:
> he gave me a ring when we were in baguio.

my hula:
> may imbitasyon na magsama kami
jc's hula:
> may imbitasyon
fact:
> hindi naman live in ito no, pero he's looking into the possibility of renting an apartment of his own with me being his (not housemate) pero katulong sa pagpapatakbo ng bahay

my hula:
> may sorpresang dadating: babaeng bata na kamukha ng tatay. aka mabubuntis ako. mga 4x ata to lumabas. kapag hindi nag-ingat ay baka malaglag. (3 of hearts, may kapares)
jc's hula:
> may sorpresang dadating: kambal, baka mamatay ang isa. kapag babae, kamukha niya. kapag lalaki, kamukha ng nanay. (3 of hearts, nagpares din ata)
fact:
> pareho kaming may lahing kambal (his father has twin siblings, my mom had twin brothers). i've been, since i was in high school ata, wishing for twin kids kahit alam kong mahirap. may history kami ng difficult pregnancies. prone kami sa miscarriages and bed-ridden pregnancies. madalas premature ang babies sa pamilya namin, especially pag boys.

my hula:
> i'm thinking of leaving my work kasi lalayo ako. confused ako dahil dito.
jc's hula:
> lilipat siya ng work pag may opportunity na. magulo utak niya dahil sa pera.
fact:
> we're thinking of making baguio our home base. i'm confused because i don't know what i'll do with the center kapag lumipat nga ako. ayaw na magtagal ni jc sa etel dahil nakakapagod ang night shift. magulo utak niya about getting an apartment of his own dahil natatakot siya sa gastos.

my hula:
> may papeles. may kasal. mga 5x sinabi yun. (6 of hearts)
jc's hula:
> may papeles. may kasal. mga 5x din sinabi. (6 of hearts din lumabas)
fact:
> alam niyo na yun. hehe. =)

my hula:
> magdasal lang dahil dumating na ang mahal ko na mamahalin ako. initial: O
jc's hula:
> magdasal dahil dumating na yung mahal niya na mahal siya. initial: G
fact:
> his surname is ocampo, and i'm gatmaytan.

my hula:
> may lalaking dadating from abroad (King na itim ang kulay), haharapin in 2 days, 2 weeks or 2 months. maraming mga taong maghaharap-harap.
jc's hula:
> may lalaking dadating from abroad (King na itim). haharapin niya in 2 days, 2 weeks or 2 months. may mga maghaharap-harap.
fact:
> my dad is coming home from kuwait this april. jc is planning to talk to him na about us, how he's proposed to me and everything, pati mga plano namin.

my hula:
> mahihirapan ako sa umpisa kunin ang loob ng magiging biyenan ko (Queen ang lumabas) dahil ayaw pa niyang magpakasal ang anak niya
jc's hula:
> ayaw pa siya ipakasal ng mother niya
fact:
> malamang lang ayaw pa nga ng mom ni jc na magpakasal siya, although hindi pa naman talaga nila alam. abangan ang susunod na kabanata kapag nakausap na niya parents niya.

my hula:
> may good luck sa pera. wag mamroblema, basta may trabaho at magkasama kami, walang problema.
jc's hula:
> wag mamroblema sa pera dahil may trabaho naman siya.
fact:
> we've become conscious of our spending habits (and seriously nagbabalak na kaming magtipid at mag-ipon) dahil nacompute kong umaabot ng P20,000 a month ang nagagastos naming 2. hindi nga namin malaman kung san namin nahuhugot ang ganong panggastos e. tapos pareho kaming nagrereklamong wala kaming pera. napunta lahat sa tiyan namin. hehehe.

my hula:
> una ang baby bago ang kasal
jc's hula:
> mauuna ang anak bago ang kasal
fact:
> hindi ako buntis. hehehe. abangan ang susunod na kabanata. hahaha!

so ayun na nga ano. freaky diba? kasi hindi naman si manang ang pumipili ng baraha namin. kami naman. at nakataob naman ang baraha kapag pinili namin. weird talaga, pareho yung mga nakukuha namin. at nalaman lang ni manang na ako ang girlfriend ni jc ng biglang pumikit daw siya ng matagal at biglang sinabing, si gracia ba girlfriend mo? katakot diba?!

pero sabi nga ni manang, magdasal lang daw. wala namang hindi nakukuha sa dasal diba? ultimately, the decisions are still ours to make. oo natakot kami pareho dahil pareho yung mga sinasabi. at yung mga issues na brining up ni manang ay yung mga issues na lately ay madalas namin mapag-usapan (work, pera, lipat baguio, lipat apartment, away-bati namin). hindi namin pinilit ipasok yung mga hula sa buhay namin. sadyang swak lang talaga. chaka bakit kaya parehong pareho yung hula sa min e sa gitna na ng hula kay jc niya nalaman na ako pala yung girlfriend niya? weird talaga. pero basta. magdadasal kami talaga. walang tatalo. pero si manang talaga... umaano na naman e!

Halaga...

2005-01-30T10:10:00.000-08:00

Umiiyak ka na naman Langya talaga , wala ka bang ibang alam Namumugtong mga mata Kailan pa ba kaya ikaw magsasawa
Sa problema na iyong pinapasan
Hatid sayo ng boyfriend mong hindi mo maintindihan
May kwento kang pandrama na naman
Parang pang TV na walang katapusan
Hanggang kailan ka bang ganyan
Hindi mo ba alam na walang pupuntahan
Ang pagtiyaga mo dyan sa boyfriend mong tanga
Na wala nang ginagawa kundi ang paluhain ka

Sa libu-libong pagkakataon na tayoy nag-kasama
Iilang ulit palang kitang makitang masaya
Naiinis akong isipin na ginaganyan ka nya
Siguro ay hindi niya lang alam ang iyong
Tunay na halaga

Hindi na dapat pag-usapan pa
Nagpapagod na rin ako sa aking kakasalita
Hindi ka rin naman nakikinig
Kahit sobrang pagod na ang aking bibig
Sa mga payo kong di mo pinapansin
Akala mo’y nakikinig di rin naman tatanggapin
Ayoko nang isipin pa
Di ko alam ba’t di mo makayanan na iwanan sya
Ang dami-dami naman diyang iba
Wag kang mangangambang baka wala ka nang ibang makita
Na lalake na magmahal sayo
At hinding hindi nya sasayangin ang pag-ibig mo

Sa libu-libong pagkakataon na tayoy nag-kasama
Iilang ulit palang kitang makitang masaya
Naiinis akong isipin na ginaganyan ka nya
Siguro ay hindi niya lang alam ang iyong
Tunay na halaga

Minsan hindi ko maintindihan
Parang ang buhay natin ay napagti-tripan
Medyo malabo yata ang mundo
Binabasura ng iba ang siyang pinapangarap ko

Sa libu-libong pagkakataon na tayoy nag-kasama
Iilang ulit palang kitang makitang masaya
Naiinis akong isipin na ginaganyan ka nya
Siguro ay hindi niya lang alam ang iyong
Tunay na halaga

--- Halaga by Parokya ni Edgar

Sabi ko nga kanina diba mejo fair mood nako? well, parokya isn't playing this year ata sa fair due to the exorbitant talent fee na sinisingil nila. anyway, addict ako ngayon dito sa kantang ito by parokya. yes, the tune is catchy, but it was more of jc's words on me when he asked me to listen closely to the lyrics of the song, that made me want to hear it over and over.

at this time of the day (it's 2am), i'm in my senti mood again. while listening to the song, i felt as if chito was singing to me, that the song was written for me. you see, i was once blinded by what i saw as love. the moments i was happy with (itago na lang natin sa pangalang james. hehe) james were few and far in between. there were more sad times, crying times, than happy times. i couldn't understand him, but more importantly, i couldn't understand myself why i took it all, why i stayed with him. he wasn't my boyfriend (unlike the song), and the pseudorelationship status became the reason why we kept it from almost everybody, including jc, when he should have been the first person to have known it all.

looking back at everything, it was jc who was singing the song to me. he talked to me all the time, listened when i needed to talk, and lent his shoulder whenever i needed to cry. i cried of pain and of guilt. jc always said that somebody would still be there for me, that i would still find somebody, that james wouldn't be the last guy to love me. yes, jc told me that the other guy was stupid for treating me that way, for making me cry.

binabasura ng iba ang siyang pinapangarap ko

ang sakit isipin ngayon na hindi na dapat nangyari sa ken lahat yun e, na dapat sa umpisa pa lang, si jc na lang kasama ko. na hindi na ko umiyak dapat dahil sa mga lalaking hindi naman nakita ang halaga ko sa buhay nila. pero ganyan talaga. sabi nga di ba, mapapaso ka muna bago ka matuto magluto, madadapa ka muna bago ka matuto tumakbo, sesemplang bago matuto magbisikleta. siguro naman ngayon, matapos ko mapaso, madapa at sumemplang sa buhay ko, ay marunong nako tumingin ng tunay na pagmamahal. sa lahat ng natutunan ko at naranasan ko, alam ko na ngayon kung ano ang gusto ko. ang swerte ko talaga at si jc ang sumunod na dumating sa buhay ko. plano kaya yun ni Lord at hinanda Niya muna kami sa mga "maling" tao bago kami pagtagpuin? siguro naging bad ako talaga noon, always taking things & people for granted, kaya sabi ni God, ako naman daw muna yung pahirapan ng iba at samantalahin ng pagkakataon. nakita Niyang sobra na ang paghihirap ko, kaya binigay na Niya yung gift Niya sa ken.

jc, maraming salamat sa pagdating sa buhay ko. beh umiiyak na naman ako, hindi dahil sa sakit, pero dahil sa sobrang pagmamahal. gusto na kasi kita makausap e. namimiss na kita. ewan ko, pero ang hirap na naman humiga nang hindi ko nasasabing mahal kita bago ako pumikit. ewan kung bakit iyakin ako talaga kapag naaalala kita. pero maraming salamat talaga sa pagmamahal, at pagbibigay ng halaga sa ken. mahal na mahal din kita. =)

hay buhay

2005-01-30T07:35:00.000-08:00

teka lang ha. punyeta ang hirap talaga ng technologically impaired. nung december lang swabeng swabe pag upload ko ng pictures dito, ngayon e pagscan lang hindi ko na magawa. well, nagagawa ko naman, hindi ko lang mahanap kung saan nasave yung scanned cover. hmp! mamaya na nga ulit! magffriendster muna ko!

how the hell...

2005-01-28T21:55:00.000-08:00

how the hell did maningning's picture get into my blog?! damn it! baka naghello na naman si maningning tapos hindi na naman napalitan yung username. hehe. anyway, i'm listening to some feel good OPM (at least in my opinion) kasi ito yung ilan sa kinalakihan kong mga kanta ng Filipino bands. i mean, is SOOOOOOOOO into the fair mood, i'm listening to these songs. and i made another cd copy for jc din kasi i know we appreciate the same kind of music. i even made a cd cover for us. hahaha! i'll try to upload the cd cover ha? wait lang.

for the rest of my days...

2005-01-27T11:33:00.000-08:00

you are the reason why i feel love again. you made me believe, and you never failed to believe in me. you were the sanctuary that sheltered me from the storms of life. you were the rock that served as my support whenever i was about to fall down. you remained steadfast when i was in doubt. you came into my life when i needed some light, and you are now my life.

i was tired of the life i was living, always thinking of others while i put my own happiness aside. you showed me that it's alright to be happy, that i deserved to be happy. i had no direction in life and was doing everything asked of me to do, in turn doing nothing. you gave me a purpose, a special role in your life that nobody else but me can play.

i am a step closer to obtaining my graduate degree. after this comes the deadline i set for myself: what comes next? will i still be in this business? will i take another career path?

now i know what the answer is to these questions, different questions with different answers but with one common factor: YOU.

this important step, the completion of my comps, was made possible only because of you. you always supported me, worried when i was studying too hard and losing sleep, worried that i was playing too much and failing to study. it was alright for you that i study while you watch the television or play the pc, but it was never alright for you that i force myself and push myself beyond my limits. you always cared for me... you've always cared for me.

i endured a lot of things for many wrong people. i looked for love in the wrong direction, craved from it from the wrong people. i learned a lot of things, suffered a lot, cried a lot, made a lot of mistakes. but it was all worth it, because at the end, it was you.

you comforted me during the trying times that i can't do anything except cry. you shared the funny and silly moments with me. you presented yourself to everybody important to me. what we endured the past six months was more than i've expected, and still you took me in. i would not be here now if not for you, because i would have given up if you hadn't entered my life.

you are my motivation, you are my direction.
you are my biggest fan and my biggest critique.
you are my best friend, the best lover.
for the rest of my days, baby.
i love you.

we did it!

2005-01-25T10:16:00.000-08:00

sa lahat ng tao na nagdasal, nag good luck, nagtanong, nag-alala, nangamusta, nagtext at tumawag bago ako mag comps, maraming salamat. it's official.. PASADO KO NG COMPS!!! bwakanangsyet. wala akong uulitin. nyehehehe. dahil dito, thesis nako next sem. hopefully (dapat!) next year at graduate nako. salamat talaga sa lahat ng sumoporta at naniwalang papasa ako kahit ako, hindi ako naniniwalang kakayanin ko yun. thank you list ko muna (para kong nanalo ng award. hehe.) :

> sa mga sis, na nakasama ko sa loob ng 6 na taong stay ko sa UP. to both resident & alumnae sisses, i wouldn't have been able to do anything ng wala kayo. kila rhona, diane, tey, allen, joanne, johanna, ate cleng, na madalas kong nakasama noon, maraming salamat sa lahat ng lessons. sa mga residenteng tinawag akong "lovell" minsan sa buhay nila, itatype ko sana pangalan niyo pero ang dami niyo e, salamat talaga. binigyan niyo ng bagong kahulugan ang pagiging Sigma Betan ko. ke janis na katelebabad ko madalas noon habang nasa mga opisina namin kami, salamat sis. sa mga taga apartment (past & present) pia, jewell, MIS, ISG, gretz, carla, zandie, yana, frances, salamat sa laging pagpapaalala na mag-aral nako during the times na nakikipagscrabble ako sa inyo. kay cerille na nagreply all the way from singapore (or bangkok, whatever), thank you sis for being with me even though we're miles apart. i'm looking forward to seeing you soon! sa mga hindi ko nabanggit, hindi ibig sabihin e wala kayong kontribusyon sa pagpasa ko. lalo sa mga bata, kayo ang naging motivation ko sa pag-aaral dahil gusto kong makita ninyo na hindi dahilan ang pagiging sorority girl para hindi mag-excel sa acads. sana lahat kayo, pati ang mga magiging sis natin, ay isapuso ang leksyon na yun. ito lang ang kaya kong ipamana sa inyo. salamat sisses.

> sa mga psych friends ko lalo ang mga MA people especially charles, tin, cj, summer, aimee, peachy (ang mga taong hindi pumapalyang maging groupmates ko kapag classmates kami, minsan kahit hindi), alam kong pinagdasal niyo ko. kahit pa ba may mga ulterior motives kayo. hehe joke. salamat sa pag good luck talaga at pag assure na ok lang bumagsak, na walang pressure. salamat sa pagkamusta. sobrang laking moral booster yung malaman na ang daming nakakaalala sa kin nun. good luck sa comps ninyo sa summer. ako naman ang magdadasal para sa inyo. yung promise ko ibibigay ko soon. =)

> sa lahat ng mga pari at madre na nagdasal para sa ken, wala talagang hindi nagagawan ng paraan kapag kay Lord pinadaan. i swear, ang daming nagdasal (mga isang seminaryo at isang kumbento) dahil nagtext brigade ang nanay ko sa mga naging students niyang pari of different nationalites (so different languages din ito, para siguradong aabot kay Lord ang dasal) at pinagdasal din ako ng mga ICM sisters from my alma mater dahil nalaman nilang mageexam ako. ayos no?

> sa pamilya ko. walang gatong, malaki utang na loob ko sa kanila. kay daddy na kahit asa malayo ay pinadama ang pagiging ama niya, kay mommy na nagsabing ok lang wag ako magtake kung hindi ko kaya dahil nagkasakit nako nun at halos magnervous breakdown kakaaral, kay lj at ana na minsan lang ako pakialaman sa pag-aaral ko pero naging concerned sa bawat oras na inalalagi ko sa table para lang magbasa, sa mga pinsan ko both sides especially kila ate abie at ate bam na asa ibang bansa pero nakuha pa ring magtext at email para mag good luck. pati kay tito romy na nagtext a few hours before i took the exam. salamat talaga.

> sa mga kaibigan kong fratmen lalo kay verj at troy na pinakanakakaalam na mag-eexam ako dahil lagi nila kong naaabutang nagpapractice ng derivations tuwing nag-aaya sila magsugal. you guys were my breather, yung relax time ko tuwing toxic na ko sa pag-aaral. sana mabalik sa lahat ang dati. naging mga kapatid ko kayo nitong nakaraang taon.

> sa mga teachers ng Funshine. kayo ang scaffolding ko ngayon. support group ko kayo. hindi kayo nagduda kailan man, at hindi niyo ko iniwan. maraming salamat sa tiwala. sa hirap at ligaya, kayo ang gusto kong makasama. maraming salamat, mga teach.

hindi ko alam kung bakit pero naiiyak ako ngayon upon the realization na ang dami palang nagmamahal at nag-aalala para sa ken. i don't know what i did to deserve the most supportive, fun, loving and caring groups of friends. iba iba kayo ng naging roles sa buhay ko, at hindi ako magiging ganito kasaya kung merong wala sa inyo. alam kong pangmatagalan na ang pagkakaibigang nabuo sa pagitan natin. ang suwerte ko talaga.

putangina naiiyak ako... nakakasenti ang ganitong oras ng araw...

we did it!

utang na loob!!!

2005-01-19T06:44:00.000-08:00

warning: i just read pia's blog so this will also be angst-filled and i will be a BITCH.

tips:

1. para maging successful ang activity, be ORIGINAL and CREATIVE. wag gaya-gaya.
2. para maraming pumunta sa event, have FORESIGHT. plan ahead at huwag makikisabay sa iba pang events dahil automatic mahahati ang audience ninyo. TIMING is everything.
3. para magustuhan ng boys, maging MAAYOS hindi lang sa ichura pero pati sa UGALI.
4. para galangin ng mga tao, matutong maging MAGALANG sa iba.
5. para wag pagtawanan, wag maging KATAWATAWA. magkaroon ng DIGNIDAD sa mga sarili.
6. para hindi mabastos, huwag MAGPABASTOS. lumaban kung kailangan lumaban.
7. para matuwa ang mga tao sa inyo, bigyan ng KAHULUGAN ang inyong EXISTENCE.
8. kung walang magawang maayos huwag MANIRA ng ibang tao.
9. kung marami kayong oras, huwag MANG-ISTORBO ng mga taong may ibang IMPORTANTENG ginagawa.
10. iwasan ang PAGPAPAPANSIN

UTANG NA LOOB PAKITIGILAN NA KAMI! MARAMI KAMING GINAGAWA WALA KAMING PANAHON MAKIPAGSABAYAN SA MGA KADRAMAHAN, KAARTEHAN AT KAGAGAHAN NIYO!

marks of an inggetera: (in other words, da who ang mga bilaching na itech!)

1. sobrang papansin ang sakit sa tenga ng boses kapag nanghihiram ng lighter samantalang 1 million years na siyang nagyoyosi nang hindi naman nanghihiram ng lighter
2. nagpapaboycott ng event ng may event
3. gaya-gaya. sa lahat. sa artists, sa lugar, sa idea.
4. walang manners kapag may pinapakilalang ibang tao.
5. naninira ng ibang tao bago pa sila magkaroon ng karapatan manira ng iba.
6. semi-stalkers. ang kilos, salita, gawa, pagkain, pinupuntahang lugar, pati lugar ng tattoo, ay ginagaya.
7. feelingera. akala mo kung sinong kagandahan para mapabilang sa isang institusyon, e she has pata written all over her face naman.
8. wala kasi silang ginagawa, kaya they're just wishing na umulan na lang sa araw ng activity ng ibang tao.
9. claiming to be also close to people others are close to.
10. rejoices in the use of black propaganda against others.

if you people have nothing else better to do, then stop bugging us! do your own thing people, but please quit spreading rumors about us, our activities and our friends. we're really nice people, and many have witnessed that, and we dish out spectacular activities that our audiences are nothing but happy after one such event. i know you're all jealous and everything, but that's not enough reason to become bitchy whenever we're around. really, no need to be childish and be swallowed by the green eyed monster that you'll wish our activities harm, boycott our events and worse, start getting physical with us. really! people like you have no place in our prestigious university. use your minds alright?! common sense! mga pakshet kayong lahat! mga inggetera!

*** i remember when ma'am ventura asked me how i speak when i'm overcome with emotions. without batting an eyelash i answered, in fluent english punctuated by crisp cursing in filipino. don't wait for me to confront you, you'll get more than you've asked for. don't go biting off more than what you can chew. Sigma Betans are great friends, but we're your worse enemies. ***

being MIS

2005-01-11T15:18:00.000-08:00

Most Idyllic Sister

ang ganda pakinggan di ba? this is the highest position in the UP Sigma Beta Sorority. a position that i've told the younger sisses to aspire for. dapat lahat gusto maging MIS. the position means prestige and pride, responsibility and obligation. but not everything is perfect, and not everything is beautiful.

si ate cleng ang MIS ko nung pumasok ako sa sorority. she's the reason why i'm in Sigma Beta in the first place, dahil pinsan ko siya, at siya ang nagrecruit sa akin. she's the first MIS na nakita ko, therefore my model MIS. she listened to the sisses, and took risks along the way, to lead us throughout a year of challenges, of triumphs and disappointments. she taught me to lead not only with knowledge but with heart as well.

si diane yung sumunod kay MIS. she inherited a big financial responsibility and faced everything with courage. she led us with dedication and instilled within me the reality that internals is more important than externals, that we won't be able to do anything successful if we don't understand the true meaning of sisterhood. she taught me to place importance on indoctrination and discipline.

si cecyll ang MIS na pinakaclose ko, primarily because 1 year lang ang difference namin, and sabay kami naging residente. she led us to the 70th anniversary of the sorority, and took the risk of communicating with the alumnae foundation again. nasilayan ko ang buhay MIS dahil sa kanya, kung paanong isinantabi niya ang ibang bagay (lalo ang personal na buhay) para sa kapakanan ng sorority. she taught me the value of diplomacy in dealing with other organizations, fraternities and sororities.

when it was my turn to be MIS, i didn't know how to start. we were so few that recruitment was on top of the priority list. i was lucky because my ISP was really good. cerille understood the importance of membership, and yet was picky enough that she still chose quality over quantity. because of her, we had strong, intelligent, enthusiastic, responsible and competitive individuals as sisses.

zandie was the perfect ISG. she steered us into a year full of new challenges that the sorority has not yet faced. it was because of her that we tried our hands into car shows. more importantly, she led us into the external activity that, a few years after her term, would be the activity that all sisses look forward to hosting: a one-of-a-kind night at the UP Fair.

in my two years as the MIS, i learned a lot of things that i wouldn't have learned if not for the position and the experiences we had. i got to work with the best minds in the university. the sisses have everything that any MIS could ask for: the discipline to balance everything from acads to sorority to family, the creativity to start anything and the courage to finish everything they started, the willingness to work and do manual labor, the spirit to try on anything new, the eye for recruiting only the best, the passion for work, and the heart for Sigma Beta.

i learned that being MIS does not only mean prestige at leading the first and oldest sorority in the university and in the country. it also meant being responsible enough in all your actions and words, because i did not only stand for myself but for my sisters and the Sorority as well. i learned the hard way the consequences of not using both my head and my heart. i learned to get used to going to bed and not being able to sleep because of the sisses, and of waking up and surviving until after lunch hours not eating anything because of the tension an upcoming activity brings. i learned to balance my time between Sigma Beta and acads, and eventually work. i learned the true meaning of sacrifice as i witnessed the sisses commuting to and from UP to meet sponsors and bands, and by personally giving up a great love for a much greater love which is the Sorority. trying to sleep on the night before SISFIRE, SISFIRE2, With Strings Attached (Paolo Santos), Road Rulz, Smooth Operator and all other activities has taught me to be perceptive, and more importantly, to have foresight. we can never tell what can occur during an activity. i always had pen & paper at my bedside so i can list the things that we will probably need for an activity, like markers, stickers, thumbtacks, all kinds of tapes, cash box, toiletries & hygiene kits for us, and food for the sisters. name it, we've got it all ready. parang girl scout talaga! i learned to see days in weeks, months and semesters. we took risks, faced challenges, smoothed some rough edges, fought and patched things up, laughed and cried. i experienced talking during meetings and meeting just to stare at each other. i experienced adrenaline rush and total exhaustion. i was able to talk to janitors, teachers, admin personnel, talent managers, security guards, band members, company executives, marketing people, fellow students. i made friends and enemies (haha!), i met old and new sisses alike. and i learned the most important thing of all, to never quit. however against you the odds look like, don't quit. there's always a way.

seeing MIS isa during her term felt like seeing your child spread her wings and explore the world on her own. you see, she's my anak... i saw her as a pledgee, as a new sis, as the ISG. i worked with her through thick and thin, and saw her potential early on. i'm proud of the way she handled her term, and prouder still because she got out of a sticky situation with her head up and stood tall (no pun intended!) no matter how difficult the problems she faced were. i saw how she sacrificed her time, her money, her acads, heck even her personal life, for the sake of the Sorority.

her term is about to end, and we will be electing our new MIS for the incoming academic year in a few weeks's time. it would be an honor to work with the new sisses and the possible roster of officers for next year, yet i would feel nothing but pride to see my younger sisses stand up and take the responsibility ahead of them. it is indeed hard to move on and let go of the lifestyle i've gotten used to for the past 5, almost 6 years, yet it was very liberating to finally be able to do what i want to do. i'm enjoying the freedom and time i was able to have after my stint of two years. i was proud when i was the MIS, but i was prouder seeing a younger sis take on the same challenge as i did, and calling her MIS and being called Grace again was like music to my ears.

the MIS is only as good as the members, and she won't be able to function well without good officers. a good follower. mind and heart. calculated risk taker. sacrifice. pride. honor.

for the sake of the Sorority, i will do.

good luck to all the nominees. see you all on election day.

and may death not do us part...

2005-01-11T13:19:00.000-08:00

words aren't enough to describe the happiness that i feel waking up and knowing that i still have you, and that you'll still have me. i have made wrong decisions, i know, but i always had you in mind. i told you i'm not perfect, and my choices may not all work out for the best, and yet you still accepted and loved me. Lord knows how much i love you, and how much i want to spend the rest of my life with you. i want to take care of you and your children. i'll forever be grateful for this chance to love you. you'll always have my admiration for being able to take this and being able to forgive me and my stupidity. i'll never keep anything from you again, and never entertain so much as a thought of hiding something from you. let's start again, shall we? if i have to spend the rest of my life proving to you that i love you, showing you how much i love you, and making you feel that i'm grateful for this chance, then i will. take me somewhere safe, to a place where only the two of us will exist, where we can start a new life where we will be the writers of our destiny, where we can direct our lives. take me to a place where no one will judge us for our past in the same way that we didn't judge each other. take me to a place where we can be ourselves, to a place where happily ever after is a reality and not just a fairy tale. i love you baby, till the rest of my days.

and may death not do us part.

Reverse The Curse!

2005-01-09T05:22:00.000-08:00

may ice cream sa boston na ang flavor niya ay reverse the curse. hindi ko na mashado matandaan pero ang alam ko, mejo chocolatey-rocky road type yung flavor na to. this was made because of the boston red sox, yung baseball team ata na forever umaabot sa finals but never nagchampion. mula ata ng natrade si babe ruth (as in almost a century ago na ata ito) ay hindi na nagchampion ang red sox, until 2004. akalain mo, nagulantang ang mga fans ng sox dahil biglang nanalo sila, hindi sila handang manalo. parang, paano na ito? nawala ang kanilang silbi sa mundo bilang mga talunan. hahaha! pero di ba? mejo malaking pagbabago ito sa pag-iisip ng mga tao, at sa buong psychological climate ng boston dahil biglang nanalo sila. oo masaya, pero what now? balita ko gagawa daw ng bagong flavor ng ice cream e. parang, the curse reversed ata. parang ganon.

so anyway, ano naman ang koneksyon nito sa post ko ngayon? shempre wala akong pakialam sa baseball diba? pero gusto ko lang ishare ang sariling curse ng soro.

mula noon hanggang ngayon, may curse yung top 3 officers ng Sigma Beta. when you get into the position with a boyfriend, mawawala yung during your term. swerte kung magbalikan after. if pumasok ka ng walang boyfriend, asahan mong buong term mo ay wala kang boyfriend. malas mo kung 2 years ka nagserve sa top 3 diba? e di ibig sabihin loser ang love life mo. pwede kang magkaboys, but it won't work out. nangyari sa ken yun e. nagbreak kami nun ng ex ko. the following year (kasi ng two terms pa ko e!), puwede sana, but it didn't work out. i attributed it to the curse. kaya tignan niyo ha, around 4 months after the turnover of duties, nagkaboyfriend nako. hahaha!

e ngayon, mukhang the top 3 officers are pulling a "reverse the curse" of their own. nagsimula kasi niyan si ISG e. akalain mong pagkatapos ng ilang buwang pagkakanser (taon pa nga ata e!), ay biglang naging sila ni arven. maaaring hindi sila laging magkasama, at hindi laging masaya, pero sila pa rin diba. hanging on for dear life ang relationship na ito dahil may isa ata sa kanilang lilipad na. hehe.

nitong nakaraang linggo lamang ay nabalitaan kong si MIS din ay may boyfriend na! akalain mo! pati nga si MIS hindi alam, dapat pala 3 months na sila. hahaha! so ayun, formal na nga, na sila na ni didi. matapos ang malatelenovelang taon niya bilang ISG last year, success na din ang love life niya!

at eto naman si ISP, mukhang hindi magpapahuli, humahabol pa ang love life. hindi ko muna babanggitin ang pangalan baka maudlot, pero balita ko may naganap nang date na kasama pa ang pamilya. meet the ANGKAN ito ha, hindi FAMILY. nakakaloka diba? ang tibay nga ni ISP e, hindi siya hinimatay sa party. hindi lang siya nakakain. hehehe.

i guess this means that curses can really be reversed. the sisses must have done something good to deserve this. i mean, diba? matapos ang lahat ng hirap at trahedya (MIS, baka trahedya mo yung last year! hehe!) ay may dadating ding love. o di ba?

malapit na ang election time to most organizations, fraternities & sororities sa UP. siguro yung mga may balak tumakbo sa top 3 namin ay mejo nakahinga na, because i think the curse was reversed.

ps
pasensha sa mga sis na nagamit ko ang love life nila para sa post na ito. pero in fairness, nakakainspire kayo ha. hehe. good luck sa buhay buhay.

tigilan niyo kami!

2005-01-06T08:56:00.000-08:00

oo alam ko mukha kaming rarumble ng mga sis kapag sabay sabay kami naglakad.
oo alam ko maingay kami, lalo kapag may pinagtatawanan kami.
oo alam ko mahilig kami tumingin sa ibang tao.
oo alam ko halatang-halata na mga Sigma Betans kami.
oo alam ko there's something in the way we talk, we walk and we carry ourselves that distinguishes us from other people.
oo alam ko marami kaming kaibigan na guys, particularly fratmen.
oo alam ko matatapang at palaban kami.

but these are not enough reasons to pick a fight with us.

pwede ba, tigilan niyo kami!!!

wala lang ha. was just pondering kasi on pia's latest post. bakit ba ang daming umaaway sa ten? i realized, ang daming galit sa ten, e hindi naman natin sila inaano. ang dami na lang nating naririnig na kung ano-ano, e samantalang we're so busy preparing for our activities 24 hours isn't enough na to accomplish everything in a day.

mula noon, hanggang ngayon, favorite tayo awayin ng mga tao.

for example, yung mga sis noon, may mga nakakasangga dahil sa edad ng soro. asus, petty.

meron din naman, mga 90s ata, na galit na galit ang isang sorority dahil yung mga brods nila e close sa mga sis. may mga sis kasi na ang mga boyfriends nila ay from this certain fraternity, at nagagalit ata yung mga sis. i mean, yung fratmen naman yung pumupunta sa tambayan ng mga sis. sila yung nagpipresenta umattend ng ball ng mga sis, bakit kaya nanggagalaiti yung mga sis nila?

ngayon naman, merong nakikipagkumpetensya sa men e hindi naman kami pareho ng mga ginagawa. i mean, yung mga frats na may kaibigan kami, pucha kinoclose nila! sobrang obvious kasi! magkaron naman kayo ng originality, hindi yung kung san kami nagpunta noon e dun nyo din sila dadalhin ngayon. i mean, duh?! ang laki ng pilipinas ha. o sige, kahit luzon na lang. mag-isip naman kayo ng ibang lugar. at puwede ba, don't ever put down Sigma Beta when you can't even do what we are doing. wag niyong nilalait ang mga sis ko nang hindi niyo muna tinitignan yung mga sis niyo. wag niyong ipress release na ang dami niyo samantalang iilan lang ang kilala sa inyo. quality over quantity kasi kami e.

tapos meron pang mga umeeksena na gusto ata talaga ng publicity, mangrarumble pa! asus! talk about being barbaric. is that the action that you're striving to accomplish? i mean, wala na bang ibang paraan maging sikat bukod sa pagbebenta ng pagkain at pang-aaway ng ibang sororities? wag kayo masyadong assuming na pinagtutuunan namin kayo ng pansin, dahil wala kaming panahon para sa inyo. for your information, may activities kaming pinaplano at marami pa kaming pinagkakaabalahan bukod sa pagpapaganda, pagrampa at pagporma. hindi lang kasi kami puro tambay. may kabuluhan yung pinag-uusapan namin tuwing nasa tambayan kami.

ay nako nakakainis talaga. hindi ako nagmamalaki or nagbubuhat ng sariling bangko, pero bakit ba ang daming naiinggit sa amin? i mean, kung inggit kayo, e di gumawa din kayo ng ikasisiya, ikayayaman at ikasisikat niyo! hindi yung hinahatak niyo pababa ang ibang institusyon para lang maging matunog din ang pangalan ninyo. hindi kami nakikipagkumpetensya kahit kanino bukod sa mga sarili namin. at hindi namin ginagawa ang mga ginagawa namin para mang-inis ng ibang tao, kundi para mapasaya ang mga sarili namin, ang mga kaibigan namin, at ang mga taong nagtitiwala sa amin.

may paparating na namang activity ang mga sis. big time to, fair night to e. lahat kumikilos ngayon. lahat, gaano man kaliit, ay may ambag para sa ikatatagumpay ng fair night. hindi naming ninanais na hindi maging maganda yung night ng iba. in fact, sana nga lahat maging successful e. alam kasi namin ang hirap at pagod na napupunta sa night. minsan nga, dugo, pawis at laman ang kapalit maidaos lang ng maganda ang activities tulad ng fair. sana lang talaga wala akong marinig na komento tulad last year, yung tipong dahil sa wala kayong magawang matino e gusto niyong masira na lang yung ginagawa ng iba.

we don't wish harm on anybody. we're not working for anybody. we're not even working for ourselves, but for Sigma Beta only. we're not making friends to use them. we're not here to flatter everybody, to please everybody, to smile at everybody. it's not our fault if people know us. really, being famous has its disadvantages, like being hated because you're friends with people who some people are really going after. it's not our fault if we are friends with the people that you want to be associated with. the fact is, we don't approach them. they approach us. and it just so happens that they like us because we're down to earth and easy to get along with. and because we exist for a reason. because we have a purpose. we're not just a group of sorority girls giggling, drinking, smoking, dancing and flirting with guys. we actually have work to do. and unlike them, we strive for excellence in everything. mediocrity is not tolerated in our Sorority. we're not just followers. we are all leaders. we don't follow tried-and-tested formulas, we formulate them.

don't hate us because we're the best. hate us because everybody (including your boyfriends, your brods, your friends and even some of your own) thinks so.

ps
yeah i know i sound bitchy in this post. aminado naman ako e (refer to bitches & sorority girls post). at least may karapatan akong mag-angas. marami na kong napatunayan sa buhay ko. e sila meron ba? again, this is just a follow-up to pia's post. hehe.

ang awit ng buhay ko

2005-01-05T09:52:00.000-08:00

i just finished printing the cover of the cd that i'll give to the sisses as belated christmas gift. kinapos ako sa cd dahil binigyan ko din yung teachers ng funshine, tapos may 2 akong binurn for jc, so 8 lang mabibigyan ko bukas. promise to follow yung iba. promise talaga bibigyan ko kayong lahat.

i listened to the songs ulit kanina. actually, hindi ito dapat yung original na bibigay ko. leche kasing pc to, biglang nawala yung mga kantang dinownload ko noon. yun pa naman talaga yung panalo. pag nakuha ko kay johanna perez yung binurn ko which includes yung songs, i'll make another cd.

for thee dear sisterhood of beauty II yung title ng cd kasi yung batch nila pia, they gave us cds din as invitation for their finals. ang taray diba? it contained the favorite songs of the sisses, and it was such a delight to listen to the songs that we stopped with the finals for awhile to listen to the songs. all of us were able to relate to the songs. that's why, with this 2nd cd, i hope you guys will find at least 1 song you'll be able to relate to.

'cause there's nothing i can do, to keep from loving you

give me one more chance to make it real

what will i do now with all this time

i don't wanna wait in vain for your love

if i'm not in love with you, what is this i'm going through tonight?

just look what i've got, you got all over him

you're in love that's the way it should be

only you the only one who stole my heart away

that i was born to love you

and your smile is tattooed in my mind

i'll never get over you getting over me

without me how can you live without me

we'll go on living separate lives

guess i'm just learning, learning the art of letting go

and you say, stay

i guess i'm down to my last cry

as i watch four seasons change

yan ang mga awiting mapapakinggan sa cd na ipamimigay ko sa mga sis at sa mga malalapit na kaibigan. inaasahan kong may isang awitin dito na mapapa "haaaaaaay...." kayo, dahil yun ang gusto kong mangyari: yung maantig ang damdamin niyo. with the power of music, i wish to touch your lives and your hearts and make you remember the days that you were stalking someone, you were crying over someone, you were kilig over someone, the days that you were hurt and you were ecstatic, and the days that you were depressed and you were high. let these songs make you smell that particular fragrance again and transport you to places you've been to. let these songs make you believe again. let music make you fall in love again.

what you won't do...

2005-01-04T09:50:00.000-08:00

i just got off the phone with pia because we were talking about matters that, due to security reasons, i can't discuss in detail here. but because of what we talked about, nawala ang antok ko. tumatakbo ang utak ko ngayon, knowing that what i'm about to do may put me in jeopardy. i mean, a sis has said it... hindi kaya ikaw ang pag-initan nila?

yes, i will admit that what i'm about to do is affected by love. but then again, i have legitimate reasons for doing it. i have the word of a friend that kat won't be put in a difficult situation dahil sasaluhin nila yung maiiwan. i have made plans so that the sorority's name and the sisses won't be affected. i mean, i'm going to use my name and my own personal capacity as a student of UP, not as a member of Sigma Beta. of course i'm still going to inform MIS about my plan of action, but i'll do it just the same because as i have said, my reasons are legitimate. they are ineligible. lack of records is not a good enough excuse to grant them what is not theirs. if they produce a postdated cheque, then the night is theirs. but they shouldn't have volunteered knowing among themselves that they still have unsettled dues. i don't want them to get away with it thinking na naisahan nila ang council, and everybody else. if they can't produce the cheque, then the night is not theirs. i don't care if i have to work my ass off for the student council just so i can save kat the hassle of having a night without a presentor. i'll coordinate with the cssp sc. i know they're interested. there is a way. but they shouldn't get away with this. alam nilang may utang pa sila. they should have been honest enough to admit it even before volunteering to get the night. and i'm going to complain.

they have a bad record with us. i mean, tinapalan nila ng flyer nila ang poster namin. after our complaint, we find our tambayan trashed the following day. tapos may letter of threats pa. ano ba yun diba. pero sige, hindi daw sila gumawa nun e. i'll file the letter of complaint as soon as i get to talk to MIS. i'll do it as an individual who has a right to question what is going on around me, especially if i'm connected, directly or indirectly, to it. i have a responsibility to raise points which i know are valid. and i'll do it, even if it means putting me in danger, even if it means not making tambay and not hanging out with the sisses to spare them whatever it is that may befall on me.

and i'll do it for love. i'll do everything, jc.

bisyo na to!!!

2004-12-29T10:58:00.000-08:00

tandang-tanda ko pa...

grade 2 ako nung tinuruan ako ng tita kong mag pusoy dos. madali lang naman intindihin yun e. mejo universal ang rules. dos ang pinakamataas, tres ang pinakamababa. clubs, spades, hearts, diamonds ang order from weakest to strongest suit. pwedeng singles, pairs, trio, quadro or five cards ang ibaba mo basta ikaw ang "leader" or yung unang titira. ubusan lang ng baraha.

grade 3 ako nung naintindihan ko finally ang pusoy. good, better, best. yun lang pala yun. di ko kasi nun maalala yung heirarchy ng 5 cards e.

grade5 ako nung una kong uminom. naganap ito sa sala ng bahay namin, pulutan ay squid balls na niluto ng maid, kainuman ko tatay ko. ang konsepto kasi niya, maigi nang sa bahay magsimula. dapat yung unang pagkalasing ko, sa bahay. para alam ko na limitasyon ko at di ako nakakahiya kapag lalabas para uminom.

grade 6 ako nang matuto akong mag tong-it. salamat sa matiyaga kong pinsan na baligtad ang upuan sa vanette (naiikot yung upuan nun diba?), natuto ako habang bumabyahe mula manila hanggang baguio. kung marunong kang mag mahjong, halos pareho lang sila. minimum of 3 cards, either straight of the same suit or same character. example, 2-3-4 na spade or 4-4-4 of different suits. bahay yung tawag sa buo mo. kelangan magbaba kahit isang bahay. puwedeng sublungan (dugtungan) yung bahay mo ng ibang players & vice versa. pag lahat ng baraha mo buo na or nagamit mo na, panalo ka. pag ubos na bunutan, yung pinakamababang baraha ang panalo.

1st year high school ako ng una akong manigarilyo. subok-subok lang. hindi ko rin tinuloy dahil may hika ako. nasubukan ko ito sa birthday party ng isang kaibigan.

4th year high school ako ng natuto ako magbilliards. sa bilyaran kasi ang derecho namin ng barkada ko nung 4th year after graduation practices.

1st year college ako ng pustahan namin ng pera ang baraha. bihira na kami magpusoy dos, lagi na lang pusoy. bangka ako lagi. may side bet pa kami na highest pair, highest trio, highest black / red pair, ganyan. lumaki ang pusta sa tong-it. pati alas may bayad na. may secret pang quadro, may bayad din to. ito rin ang panahon na naging habitual smoker ako. tumatagal ng 3 araw ang isang kaha ng yosi sa ken.

2nd year college ang una kong tikim ng red dog o in-between. 2 baraha lang ang ibibigay sayo. kahit magkano ang ipusta mo, basta hindi lalampas sa kung magkano ang nasa pot. kung yung 3rd baraho mo ay pasok sa gitna nung 2 (hindi dapat makapareho yung kahit 1 sa 2 naunang baraha), panalo ka. kunin mo sa pot kung magkano yung pinusta mo. pag hindi naman, bayad mo sa pot yung pinusta mo. tuloy ang paninigarilyo ko. naka 3 brands na ata ako. menthol, reds, lights, lahat natikman ko na ata. tumatagal ng 2 araw ang isang kaha saken.

3rd year college, tuloy ang yosi. nadagdagan nako ng alcohol ngayon. dumadalas ang birthday parties, tambay sa apartment ng sis, gimik gimik, sarah's at abyluz.

4th year college, lumakas ako magyosi. ako lang nagyoyosi sa soro nito, parang inako ko lahat ng quota ng mga sis sa yosi. 1 pack a day nako. bihira lang ako uminom dahil walang mga umiinom sa residents. nasubukan ko magsugal sa tambayan, piso-piso lang ang taya. ang galing diba. tapos pusoy dos lang ang laro namin. doble bayad kapag dos ang huli mong binagsak na baraha. ang kukunat ng mga sis. hehe.

after graduation, nakipagsugal nako sa mga kaibigan kong masig. pumupunta sila sa tambayan namin, sa katabing tambayan namin, sa bahay ko, para lang magsugal kami. nakasama ko rin sila magbilyar at uminom, puro couples lang.

matapos ang 1st year ng masters ko, lumakas ang lahat. 1 pack a day ako manigarilyo, araw-araw uminom (mga 4 na bote kada gabi), gabi-gabi magsugal. umabot ng libo ang napanalunan ko, umabot din ng libo ang talo ko. linggo-linggo, libo din ang nagagastos ko kakainom. wala akong pakialam.

pero ngayon meron na.

hindi na uubra ang dati kong buhay dahil may ibang buhay na akong inaasikaso (hindi ako buntis ha!). hindi na uubra ang walang pakialam dahil may ibang tao nang may pakialam sa buhay ko. tuloy pa rin ang inom, couples lang, paminsan-minsan, mga isang beses na lang sa dalawang linggo. tuloy pa rin ang sugal, sa tambayan na lang, kapag walang magawa at may nag-aya. nababawasan na ang paninigarilyo ko dahil may kahati ako sa bawat stick na sisindihan ko. ngayong karamihan sa mga sis ay naninigarilyo na, ako na yung mahina manigarilyo sa amin.

ito na ang huling blog na isusulat ko para sa taong 2004, ang taon na nagbigay ng pinakamalungkot na kalungkutan, pinakamasayang kasiyahan, pinakanakakatawang pangyayari, pinakanakakaiyak na kaganapan; dito ko naranasan ang maging mayaman at maging pobre, maging carefree at maging stressed, ang magbantay sa ospital at mabantayan sa ospital, ang maging ninang muli, maging tita muli, maging lovell at sis sa iba, ang magkaroon ng bagong mga kaklaseng pari, magulang, pastor, guro, empleyado, boss at iba pa. ito ang taong nagpaiyak sa akin, at ang taong nagpangiti muli. tumulo ang luha ko sa kalungkutan, tumulo rin ang luha ko sa kasiyahan. and once again, i lost a great love for a much greater love which could and would last me a lifetime.

a blessed new year to everybody.

sisters, good luck to all of us. i wish of successful activities, many more new sisters, a great wrap-up to the outgoing term, and a great welcome to the incoming term.

to my new friends, thank you for welcoming me into your arms. i never thought you guys will matter to me this much, but you did. thank you for molding my love into the person that he is today. thank you for treating me like your true sister. you'll always be brothers to me.

jc, i love you. thank you for everything. here's to the rest of the new years that we'll face together.

sex & the city

2004-12-28T07:49:00.000-08:00

natapos na rin, after 6 years, ang mahal kong sex & the city. di ko to nabuo mula season 1, pero mahal na mahal ko yung characters. hehe. so kung sino man ang nakakaalam kung saan makakakuha ng dvds ng lahat ng season, paki message / sms naman ako. please. masayang libangan ito, diba beh?

2004-12-27T17:00:00.000-08:00

the group at tam awan, minus bry who took the picture. from left, frances, janis, pia, me, jc. in front of me is MIS, then diane. mejo nasa right kami kasi bry wanted to take din the image at the left, including the upuan. pati na rin yung pawid na bubong ng cafe.

2004-12-27T16:57:00.000-08:00

eto din. notice the glare from the right side? hindi ito kasi posible dahil corner wall yung background niya e. walang bintana dun. at hugis tao pa ito na parang nakasilip. kaloka diba.

2004-12-27T16:50:00.000-08:00

this one is really freaky. check sa may right part ng ear ni fran. may mata diba? as in may kilay pa ang mumu! tapos may brownish figure sa may hair ni fran. we zoomed the pic, at kamay ang lumabas! the really freaky part is that mag-isa lang siya when she took this pic. as in walang ibang tao ng gising. waaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!

2004-12-27T16:48:00.000-08:00

mumu pic 1. check the hazy figures sa likod. hindi ito fog. sana yosi usok lang, but i doubt if nagyoyosi na si fran nito. siya lang ang gising sa bahay when she took this picture. pia & i saw 2 to 2 1/2 figures sa phone version ng pic na to.

2004-12-27T16:40:00.000-08:00

jc & i sa tam awan. we had to force him to smile for this picture. gutom na kasi e. super lamig pa. nagsisimula na lumaki mga pisngi namin dito.

2004-12-27T16:38:00.000-08:00

the couples, pagbaba from tam awan. tignan niyo naman ang height difference diba? akala ko nun ang tangkad na ni janis e. giant na ang mga anak niyo! at talagang tumabi pa sa ken, e ako ang pinakapandak sa group na ito. check the fog sa background.ang lamig talaga!

2004-12-27T16:36:00.000-08:00

volante after midnight. mejo madilim lang ang picture. from left, clockwise: xandra, MIS, pia, janis, bryan, me and jc. ang mga wala sa picture, mga tulog. hehe.

ang hirap!

2004-12-27T16:17:00.000-08:00

paksyet naman! ang hirap maging technologically impaired. i mean, di ako marunong maglagay ng pics dito! mag-experiment muna ko ha, tapos lagay ko yung pics from baguio, including the mumu pics.

baguio moments

2004-12-27T08:27:00.000-08:00

The Couples in Love and in War

Jewell and Karlo. The cute couple who act really cool around each other. Had coffee together, sabay din natutulog. Hindi sila mashado nagtagal sa baguio kaya hindi ko rin mashado nakasama. Balita ko, napaaga ang alis nila ng baguio (from 3am to 12mn) dahil sa nag-away sila dahil meron daw mahirap gisingin, nagalit ata nung ginising siya. Hehehe.

Janis and Bryan. The tallest couple I know. Ang tangkad pareho nakakangawit makipag-usap sa kanila. Hehehe. Halos lahat ng bagay pag-aawayan. Mula sa talagang nakakainis (yung **** nay un from ***, makakatikim talaga sa ten yan sis!) na mga tao who has “pata written all over her face”, hanggang sa oras ng byahe pabalik ng manila, pinagtatalunan nila. Muntik na nga ata sila maghiwalay ng bus pauwi. Hahaha! Nakakatawa sila tignan kasi si Bry natatawa, si Janis, irap ng irap. Hahaha.

Grace and JC. Ang tulog and kain king & queen. Mainstay ng baguio dahil kami ang pinakamatagal ang stay. Ang tagal naming kasi to pinag-ipunan, kaya sinulit naming ang stay. Mejo mahal ang ginastos naming kung titignan, pero aside from the hotel accommodation, yung pagkain ang nagpamahal talaga sa men. Kain kasi kami ng kain the whole time we were there. Nag-away din kami (more of tampuhan) dahil I told him to shut up dahil natatakot nako. Yung isang major away naming ay dahil sa kababawan ko. Gusto ko na kasi pumunta sa palengke, si jc gusto bumalik ng hotel. Nag-inarte ako at nag-attempt iwan siya while he was asleep. E kaso nagising siya. Sobrang asar niya, nagstart na siya mag-empake para bumalik ng manila. Ang drama diba? Hahaha.

Overall, nakakatuwang makasama ang mga couples kapag bumabyahe. Si Jewell at Karlo, super sandali lang, parang isang kisapmata lang sila andun. Si Janis & Bry naman yung turista couple kasi 1st time ni Bry sa baguio. Sila din ang away king & queen. Kami ni JC ang mommy and daddy of the group. Open to everybody ang room namin para kumain, tumambay, magbagsak ng gamit ala baggage counter, gumamit ng cr at magcharge ng phone.

* * * * * * * * *

Realizations About Baguio

1. ang mura ng bilihin. Mababa ang cost of living doon. You can survive with P100 a meal. Yung budget naming ni jc na P250 a meal for 2, sobra sobra pa yun.

2. masarap ang food. The artistic climate in baguio is not confined within the visual arts but also stretches to the way food is prepared.

3. pag may pera ka, you’re rich. You can go to different places. Pag wala kang pera, pobre ka. Literal, pulubi or vendor ka.

4. mura ng taxi and they have honest cab drivers. P20 ang flagdown (P1 ang patak) at P25 (P1.50 ang patak) naman kapag calibrated na ang cab. The cab drivers really give your sukli (kahit pa 1.50 ang sukli mo), they don’t expect tips (binabalik nung driver yung P5-tip na binigay ko), at hindi sila namimili ng pasahero.

5. mahal na rin sa ibay’s silver shop because, according to verj, they’re already sikat.

6. ang sarap ng kape. Mura pa. for as low as P22, you can get a cup of coffee with free refill. Pinakamahal na yung P40 sa ionic café. Pero may refill din yun. No wonder ang konti ng tao sa starbucks at mocha blends sm baguio. Haha.

7. ang lamig sa sm baguio kahit walang aircon at ang daming tao. Hehe.

8. any where is just, on the average, a less-than-P30-taxi-ride from session road. Wag lang lalabas ng city at pupunta sa high way ha.

9. halata ng mga vendors if you’re from manila. They have this weird sensor ata for manileños, na ang mahal ng singil nila for goods. Pero shempre, as with all other vendors, you can haggle with them. Pati nga yung boat ride sa burnham, natatawaran e. yung P60 ride na originally ay for 30minutes lang, binigay sa men for 1 hour. Weird.

10. sobrang lamig. If you’re not a local, better have some mittens, socks, shawls, scarves and hats/caps/bonnets ready. Shempre hindi puwede mawala ang inyong tried-and-tested jackets na ginagamit niyo lang sa manila kapag may bagyo.

11. nakakataba magstay sa baguio kapag taga manila ka. This holds true at least for jc & me. Kasi diba malamig? So kelangan mainitan. Hindi kami pinagpapawisan kahit pa lakarin namin ang buong session. E malamig, so kape kami ng kape. Ang kape acidic, mabilis matunaw ang kinakain, so kain din kami ng kain. Tapos nga dahil sa lamig at kabusugan, ang sarap matulog. Ayos diba. Perfect para sa mga patabaing baboy tulad naming.

12. ang dami talagang mumu sa baguio. As my mom put it, buong baguio may multo. Period.

13. importante talaga ang sneakers sa baguio, hindi lang dahil sa lamig, pero dahil sa dami ng puwede mong puntahan (lalo na mga ukayan), sasakit paa mo. Nangyari saken to with sandals. Kaya nagsneakers ako nung next time na gumala kami.

14. go to baguio with your friends and you significant other. I swear. You’ll never regret it. :)

the baguio experience

2004-12-26T22:31:00.000-08:00

i should warn you guys that this will be a long post, as i've not posted anything the past weeks, and because the baguio experience is really one experience i'll never forget. read on!

THE SETTINGS

baguio city. the lovely city of arts and culture, the place to be if you want extremely cold days and freezingly cold nights and dawns.

hotel 45. dito naka check in yung iba. 1000/night/bedroom for 2 persons, with breakfast.

room 408. our temporary home for 5 nights, 6 days.

room 406. room nila janis & bry.

room 401. future room nila pia, MIS, frances & diane.

tam awan. the artists' village that's full of rituals and a quaint cafe. the place is perched on top of baguio (not sure if city pa yun) that the fog is covering the village na. nakakatakot bumyahe pag hapon kasi hindi na makita yung daan.

pizza volante. the place to be. haha. open ito 24 hours so kahit after gimik ay pumupunta kami dito. the omelette is sooooo nice kasi mozzarella yung cheese na gamit nila. the waffle is so soft and tasty nakaka addict siya.

legarda. the street where a strip of gimik places is located. it houses 18BC, kudos, and koffee break.

nevada. 1/8 the size of eastwood, gimik place din ito. mejo malayo nga lang from the city kasi malapit na ito sa john hay.

la azotea. the building owned by kidlat tahimik, where their cafe, vocas, is located at the 4th floor ata. good coffee, exotic food, great ambience.

strawberry farm. self explanatory, diba? maraming mabibili sa lugar na ito, kasama na ang strawberry wine na may free taste per stall, lasing ka na kaka free taste pagdating sa dulo.

tourist spots. burnham park, camp john hay, pma.

dpwh, engineering hills. i'm not sure about the place itself pero dito nakacheck in ang iba pa sa amin.

ukay-ukay, palengke, tiangge. shempre hindi ito mawawala.

THE CHARACTERS

the couples. jewell and karlo, janis and bry, jc & i.

the singles na may ulterior motive sa pagpunta sa baguio. frances, MIS, pia.

the new lovable friend. diane.

the baguio people. chona, vergel aka verj, xandra, didi, tatay, kawayan, etc

FRIDAY THE 17TH OF DECEMBER

umalis ng 1pm sila pia, MIS, jewell and karlo, hoping to catch the UP Baguio Pasiklaban, an event wherein the orgs of UP Baguio showcase their talents. di ko ito naabutan. pero balita ko may mga umaakbay at umaaligid daw na mga baguio fratmen kay pia. they met up with xandra there.

11pm ang biyahe namin nila janis, bry, jc, frances and diane. shempre pa napraning kami nila janis at 10pm pa lang andun na kami samantalang sakto lang sila frances. seat # 3 & 4 kami ni jc (yung sa harap ng pinto, kaya ang ang laki ng view namin), 5 & 6 sila frances & diane, at 7 & 8 naman sila janis. malamig na nga ang panahon, sobrang lakas pa ng aircon. salamat na lang sa mga socks and shawls na baon namin, nasurvive namin ang biyahe.

SATURDAY THE 18TH

stopover around 3:30 am sa tarlac ata yun, di ko sure. basta yung stopover ng victory talaga. buti na lang nakasneakers ako. si janis ay bumaba ng bus na nakastep in sandals with socks. what a fashionista diba! ang lamig kasi e. mabilisan na kain lang, cr at yosi break, byahe na uli.

we arrived at baguio city 5:15am. sobrang lamiiiiig!!! ika nga ni janis, nanunuot sa balat at tagos sa buto ang lamig. OA talaga sa lamig! hindi namin mahawakan ng maayos ang yosi at taho. ang frances, ang tapang! nakaskirt ang lola mo!

MIS and the others were supposed to pick up frances & diane at the victory terminal upon our arrival. ngunit dahil sa knockout na si jewell at karlo at may date si MIS na tumuloy na sa simbang gabi, naiwan mag-isa si pia, na sobrang hopeless sa directions tulad ko, kaya hindi nila nasundo sila franny. we headed straight to hotel45 na lang.

*** 1st mumu experience: mag-isa si pia sa dpwh, around 3am, may tumatawag ng name niya. guy yung tumatawag sa kanya, ngunit dahil sa tulog si karlo na tanging guy sa bahay, hindi na niya ito pinansin. umungol ang mga aso sa paligid. ***

we checked in sa hotel around 5:45 am. we got two rooms (one for each couple) but franny & diane stayed with us first so they can drop off their things. knockout si janis & bry kaya natulog muna sila while while fran, diane, jc & i went to volante to get some bfast. i fell in love with the food and coffee instantly. after breakfast, jc & i went back to the hotel to get some sleep while fran & diane went around at nag-ukay. by 11:30 they went back to the hotel to get their stuff kasi susunduin na sila nila MIS to check in sa dpwh.

jc & i woke up around 2pm and ordered room service na lang for lunch. janis & bry were already at burnham, boating (turista!). naglakad lakad muna kami sa session ni jc after lunch, tapos may narinig akong "sis!" at sa aking paglingon, nakita ko si pia at xandra with frances. frances & diane pala just left la azotea, pero pupunta pa lang kami dun nila pia. while walking, biglang sumulpot si jewell from behind. nagkakape pala sila ni karlo sa swiss miss (where the coffee is more creamy than coffee-ish). sumunod sila sa vocas, so in the end, pia, xandra, frances & diane (na bumalik dahil sa alam na nating rason...), jewell & karlo and jc & i all met up at vocas. susunod si MIS pa pero antok na kami ni jc so we went back to 45, kung saan e nandun na rin pala sila janis. nagkanya-kanya ng lakad ang mga sis.

nagising kami nila janis mga 9pm na ata. the four of us attempted to go to cathy's upon vergel's recommendation pero sarado na ito, so we ended up at gobi. the sisses had their dinner there din pala earlier, but they were all back at dpwh for some napping before gumimik. after dinner, may isang hindi kanais-nais na nilalang ang tumawag kay bry the MEB, at nagkaasaran sila ni janis. tumambay kami along session while sorting out the slight gulo, kung saan ang aming hininga ay may kasama nang usok sa sobrang lamig. naayos din naman, so pumunta kaming 4 sa legarda para gumimik. nakalimutan ko yung 1st place na pinuntahan namin, puno na kasi kaya hindi na kami pinapasok. the sisses (pia, MIS, xandra) were at kudos, a reggae place, with some beta sigmas, pero wala na ring table, so dumerecho kami sa 18BC, which is like 3 places away from kudos lang.

while at 18BC, shempre text text. ang crush pala ni frances ay asa kudos. ngunit si frances together with diane, jewell & karlo, ay tulog na tulog earlier kaya hindi sila nakasama. nag-away daw si jewell & karlo kaya ang 3am byahe nila for manila ay napaaga ng 12am. si frances nagising around 2am, susunod pa dapat sa gimik, ngunit pauwi na rin kami. nagugutom siya kaya nagpatake out na lang siya ng food. lahat ng mga gumimik met up at volante for coffee and some light food. after that, kanya-kanyang uwi na. xandra to her place, MIS & pia for dpwh, the remaining couples for hotel45.

*** 2nd mumu experience. alam ko ngayon to nangyari . nagyoyosi si MIS sa may veranda ng bahay nila. umungol ang mga aso, at nakatingin sa bahay nila. hindi na niya natapos ang yosi, sabay kalabog ng pinto pasara upang pumasok na sa bahay ***

SUNDAY THE 19TH

maaga kami gumising nila janis for breakfast kasi sayang naman. room service ulit. nagstrawberry farm ata kami nito e. some kinda malayo siya. pero sulit naman, maganda yung place e. tapos balik sa hotel. tulog tulog, tapos gising ng hapon. sila janis nag-ukay ata. we all met up at tam-awan na mejo may kalayuan din. we had coffee and some other things to eat. janis & bry had a small row over the adjustment of their byahe schedule. bry wanted to stay pa (dapat 5pm alis nila, e 4pm na halos nung kumakain pa lang kami). gusto ni janis mga 9pm, bry wanted 12.

after tam-awan, naglakad kami pababa ng munting burol (exag. hehe.) kung saan ay may naabutan kaming jeep pababa, so sakay kaming lahat. pagdating sa may burnham, bumaba sa frances & diane. janis & bry, MIS & pia, and jc & i went back to the hotel. jc needed to charge his phone. yung gamit nila janis asa room na namin kasi check out is at 1pm. umakyat ang mga sis (4 of us) at nagkwentuhan sa room namin about the girls na hihit namin. hahaha! bagay talaga yung ski mask na nakita ko sa strawberry farm. dapat bumili nako ng 20+ nun e! bumaba kami, vergel was already at the hotel, and the 3 guys were playing billiards (na P20/hour lang. ayos diba). we waited for frances, and all 8 of us went to cathy's for dinner. after that nag koffee break kami sa may legarda.

*** malutong na mura experience: nasa labas na part kami ng koffee break peacefully having our coffee when may nagaattempt magbarbecue at magpabaga ng uling. awa ni Lord, asa likod talaga namin yun. bigla nilang binuhusan ng gaas ang kaulingan so biglang may malaking liyab diba? biglang may chorus ng "AY PUTANGINA!" take note, galing ito sa akin, kay frances, kay janis & kay pia. hindi nakasama si MIS kasi busy sila ni verj sa pag-uusap. there goes our pagkamahinhin. at hindi man lang nakareact ang mga kalalakihan na kasama namin ha. ***

around 8:30, janis & bry and jc & i went back to the hotel to get their stuff, kasi babyahe na sila. we said our goodbyes, and by around 11pm, tulog na kami ni jc. janis texted us na nakasakay din sila sa 9pm byahe dahil naabutan nila. in the end, siya din nasunod.

ps. nung hapon pala ay lumipat na ng bahay sila frances dahil may mago-occupy na nung bahay nila. so silang 4 ay lumipat sa katabing bahay. hehe.

MONDAY THE 20TH

the others (MIS, pia, frances, verj) went to nevada para gumimik. sumunod si diane sa kanila kasi she just got off a dinner with her lola ata. around 130am, i received a text msg from frances asking if puwede sila makisquatter ni diane sa amin kinabukasan. as our room was small & extra beds can't be put, i told her to check on chona kasi 20 ang dating niya sa baguio. may multo daw kasi sa bahay nila at lumabas ito sa picture.

naistorbo ang aking mahimbing na pagkakatulog around 3:15 in the morning dahil sa tawag ni frances. umiiyak ang lola niyo sa takot!

frances (on phone): sis can you come down please and meet us? we're here at hotel 45.
grace: why what happened?
frances: basta. we're so scared sis. please hurry.

grace (to jc na tulog): beh, asa baba daw mga sis. meet ko lang sila.
jc: baket?
grace: ewan, di ko pa alam. dito ka na lang ako na lang bababa.
jc: huh? iiwan mo ko. teka, sasama ko (sabay bihis ng mabilis).

frances calls again: sis we're in the red car sa may road. pabilis naman.

grace: beh pakisilip asa red car daw sila.
jc: alang sasakyan sa daan e.

... pagkababa namin ng hotel...

grace: asan na sila? (calls frances) sis asan na kayo?
frances: asa may waiting shed kami.
grace (to jc): sa waiting shed daw. yun.
jc: bakit may lalaki?
grace: huh? wala no.
jc: ayun o. ang dami nila e.
grace: oo nga, 4 sila diba. si MIS, pia, frances, diane. sila yun o.
jc: beh may lalaki talaga e (holding me back at ayaw na maglakad pataas dahil sa takot)
grace: will you shut up na nga. wag mo nako takutin. alanga namang pabayaan natin sila jan.
jc: quiet na lang siya...

so akyat kami ni jc sa may shed, sinundo sila, balik sa hotel, nakipaghaggle sa receptionist, and escorted them to their room sa 401 while didi, jc & MIS got their bags from didi's car. here 's the full albeit 2nd hand account of what happened.

*** the ultimate mumu experience ***

sa bahay pa lang the previous day, nagpicture-picture na si frances. siya lang ang gising nun aside from diane na naliligo, so picture picture siya using diane's phone. nung gumimik sila sa nevada after namin magkape lahat, she checked the pics again. at may nakita siya hindi kaaya-ayang sight! may mumu! (i'll upload the pics agad once na send yun sa email ko). so ayun natakot na si frances. after that, umuwi sila. sa bahay nila, sa room, specifically, may naririnig si diane na tumatawag sa kanya. may naririnig na rin si frances na umuungol. in less than 5 minutes, naempake nila ang mga gamit nila at dumagundong pababa ng bahay. si MIS at si didi na nag-uusap sa baba ay nagulat dahil parang nag-alsa balutan ang mga lola niyo at takot na takot ang mga mukha. so ayun, bumyahe na sila papa hotel45. check na lang frances' blog for details. hahaha.

monday continues. we woke up early for breakfast, then tulog ulit. nagising kami around lunch time and met up the sisses at vocas. we ate there (at hindi mashado nakakain si jc dahil the food was too exotic for his taste buds) then went to the cathedral. he bought some cds and we went back to the hotel to get some more sleep (no wonder ang laki namin!). we had dinner at cathy's, then went to burnham for some boating din. hahaha. tapos naglakad kami along session, i bought some knitted things for my inaanaks and pamangkins. we went to sm baguio to get some stuff (some more food, actually). went back to the hotel and slept. we got up around 12mn and went down for coffee. we saw pia sa baba, mag-isa naghihintay for MIS and didi (who were having a small row of their own) kasi babyahe na sila ng 130 am ata, or 1am. naabutan pa sila nila frances, diane, xandra & chona (na kakarating lang) who all came from tam awan for some kind of a ritual to pacify the spirits ata.

TUESDAY THE 21ST

so konti na lang kaming asa baguio, dahil sa pag-alis ng 6 naming kasama. the last 2 days went by so fast hindi ko na maidetalye ang mga pangyayari. nag pma ata kami ni jc nitong araw na to, to get sweater & jogging pants for my dad. tapos dumaan na rin kaming camp john hay where we visited the cemetery of bad habits ba yun. ewan kung ano. tapos kain forever. nagpunta kaming palengke nung hapon to get out pasalubongs. we stayed at the hotel in the evening to watch what we thought was the season finale of sex & the city, farewell special lang pala yun. hassle. may beer at pulutan pa naman kami. tapos si frances & diane (who stayed with us na rin because of their stuff) ay sobrang lasing, akala ko di sila magigising for the 12mn byahe for manila. nagising sila mga around 11pm, left at around 1140pm. so kami na lang ni jc naiwan sa 45. nakakapanibago.

WEDNESDAY THE 22ND

we woke up early for breakfast, then slept again. hahaha. then woke up around lunch time, met up with verj for lunch at volante, went to sm para magpatay ng oras, nag arcade (yung basketball shooting), tapos punta ng palengke for coffee (garcia's yung solid. they really grind the coffee in front of you) tapos ukay na. si jc ang pihikan sa ukay! ala siyang nabili except for the 2 jackets that we got the 1st time we went to the palengke. nakakapagod, nakakaloka. hehehe. balik na kami ng hotel. i forgot kung san kami nagdinner. jc wanted to go out pa, pero maaga ang alis namin kinabukasan, so hindi na kinaya ng powers ko.

THURSDAY THE 23RD

we woke up 6m to have breakfast. then we went straight to the palengke to get fresh strawberries, checked out of the hotel, and caught the 7am byahe to manila. sobrang tagal ng byahe dahil traffic na nga, naka 3 stopovers pa kami! 2pm na kami nakarating ng manila. grabe talaga. after that, ayos-ayos sa mga bahay namin, pahinga kami ni jc, usap kaunti, and pumasok na siya nung gabi.

* * * * * * * * * *

that concludes our baguio experience. i hope i was able to tell it as it was. check na lang diane's, frances' and pia's blogs. i'm sure you'll find the same stories, just told from different points of views. this is, by far, the best christmas vacation i've ever had. not only because this is my 1st trip back to baguio after 10 years, but because i was able to spend it with people i love, especially with jc. this is our first vacation kasi, and ang saya ng lahat nakakadepress bumalik sa manila. i think everybody had a good time, and everybody's looking forward to more bakasyon. and this early, nag-iipon na kami ulit ni jc for our next vacation, na hindi pa namin alam kung saan at kailan. bahala na. basta ang alam ko, sobrang masaya ang kahit ano, kahit saan, kapag kasama mo ang mga mahal mo sa buhay.

* * * * * * * * * *

i'll write another one about our moments sa baguio. hehehe. basta ang saya talaga nito. you guys should have been there. :)

* * * * * * * * * *

i'm supposed to meet up with jc ngayon, but as he's still already asleep at 4:30pm, mukhang hindi na kami magkikita. kasalanan ko to e, di ako kasi nagising kanina. sayang. pero ayos lang, makakapag-usap naman kami mamaya e. love you jc. :)

baguio and sisfire 3

2004-12-14T13:40:00.000-08:00

baguio na to!!!!

matapos ang ilang buwang pagpaplano at pag-iipon, magbabaguio na kami ng mga sis kasama ang ilang mahal namin sa buhay. sa wakas! everybody's so excited na may ticket na kami at nakapagpabook na ng lugar where we'll stay. kami nga ni jc ay may itinerary na. sobrang excited nako i bet hindi nako talaga makakatulog!!! you'll definitely hear from me again after i get back from my almost week-long trip.

on the business side of the story...

SISFIRE 3, here we come!!!

matapos ang pagdadasal kay Sta. Clara at sa lahat ng santo't santa (kasama na si Sta. Claus) ay maihahatid sanyo ng Sigma Beta ang SISFIRE 3. we promise that we'll bring you a not-so-usual fair night of rakrakan but rather, a night of artists who'll truly make your february 17th special. in the true spirit of SISFIRE, we promise to give you artists you'll look forward to seeing.

all is fair in love and war...

limang oras

2004-12-03T13:06:00.000-08:00

limang oras na lamang at magkikita na tayo uli. alam mo ba na tuwing magkikita tayo, tuwing pupuntahan mo ko, ay naaalala ko yung pagpunta mo sa ospital? yung pagbalik mo sa kinalalagyan ko nang hindi ko inaasahan? yung paglapit mo, unti-unti, malungkot ang mukha, sa kamang kinalalagyan ko?

oo, naaalala ko pa yun. halos limang buwan na ang lumipas nang maaksidente ako. naisip ko nun, ang tanga ko talaga. bakit ako lang ang nasugatan ng ganito. ang sumunod, ano ang sasabihin ng mga magulang ko. nung huli ko lang naisip kung paano ako kikilos nito, dahil kanang braso ko pa ang naaksidente. pero dumating ka. mula sa unang oras ng pagkagising ko, hanggang sa pagpunta sa ospital, pagkain ng tanghalian, pagpunta sa inuman kung saan hindi ako uminom, paghanap ng taxi at pagkauwi, ikaw ang kasama ko nung araw na yun. hanggang pagkauwi mo, nag-usap pa tayo sa telepono. natagalan tayo ng pag-uusap, may mga nabitin na tanong, at nagkasundong magkikita na lang kinabukasan.

pumasok na ako sa trabaho sa likod ng mga text mo na mag-ingat ako, magtext lang sayo pag papunta nako ng UP, at itext ka kung saan ko gusto magkita. sabi ko sa oz na lang, kasi gusto ko magkape. sinong mag-aakala na babagyo ng araw na yun at magmumukhang ala sais ng gabi ang ala una ng hapon? sinong mag-aakalang babahain ang commonwealth avenue at abot hanggang fairview ang traffic dahil sa baha sa ever? sinong mag-aakala na sa loob ng isang oras na pagbiyahe ko dahil umikot pa kami ng mindanao, visayas at circle para lang makarating ng UP ay naghihintay ka na pala sa oz?

you were the perfect gentleman when i got to oz. you ordered coffee for me, helped me take my jacket off, arranged the chair for me, helped me get up whenever i need to stand, lit my cigarette and even typed the messages on my cell phone for me, listened to my ramblings as i told stories of my family, and offered to carry my things as we made our wat to engg to meet verj. remember how i casually asked the question you were waiting for me to ask the whole afternoon just afternoon we crossed the street? what happened to your girlfriend? was it really because of the frat that you broke up? or was there another girl?

nung tinanong mo ko kung hindi ko ba itatanong kung sino yung someone you had special feelings for, natakot na ako. naramdaman ko na na ako yun e. kaya hindi ko maitanong. muntik nako malaglag sa hagdan nung inakbayan mo ko at sinabing tinitignan na nga, hindi pa makuha... hindi ko na alam gagawin ko nun. buti na lang dinugtong mo yung dahilan kung bakit wala kang ginawa noon. lalo tuloy ako kinabahan. kasi ginamit mo yung salitang noon... kasi diba, kung may noon, mayroon ding ngayon? at tinanong mo na nga ang tanong na kinatakutan kong marinig...

na akala ko ay katatakutan kong marinig...

nang tanungin mo ako, alam kong may sagot na ako, ngunit may mga bagay lang tayong kailangang linawin. may mga bagay lang na dapat mong malaman tungkol sa kin, at ako rin tungkol sa yo, para maging maayos ang lahat. pero inakala mo wala na. na mali ang pagtatanong mo. kaya tuloy nung nag-inuman kayo (na kasama ako at ang dalawang bote ng softdrinks na halos 4 na oras ko yata inubos) ay naghatak ka pa ng kasama mo pampalakas loob. na kahit magkatabi lang tayo, hindi tayo natigil magtext sa isa't isa dahil sa mga gumugulo sa isip natin. na lingid sa kaalaman ng mga brods mo ay hindi na lang tayo simpleng magkaibigan sa susunod na makasama nila tayo sa inuman.

naalala mo pa ba yung nagkita tayo sa starbucks nang hindi ka pa natutulog? at kung paano natin pinatay ang oras sa galleria? at kung paano tayo nagpalitan ng mga tanong na lagi na lang nagsisimula sa what if? at kung paano tayo mejo nahirapan sumakay ng taxi pabalik ng katipunan? at kung paanong ayaw pa pumunta ng brods mo sa tapika dahil sa 3rd wheen daw sila? at kung paano tumugtog ang hourglass? at kung paano mo ko alalayan at asikasuhin sa tapika? at kung paano ko sinagot ang tanong mo?

let's take the risk together...

ayaw mong maniwala. akala mo nabibigla ako. akala mo naawa lang ako dahil kaibigan kita. akala mo nagloloko lang ako, tulad ng lagi nating ginagawa sa isa't isa. akala mo mabilis. pero isipin mo ha, mabilis ba yun?

mahigit isang taon na tayo magkaibigan. nagkasama na tayo sa inuman, birthdays, basketball, bilyaran, kainan, ball, tambay sa bahay ko, videoke, asaran, iyakan. nagkasama na tayo nang may pera tayo at wala, nang malakas tayo at nang baldado naman ako. nagkasama na tayo sa kapihan, sa ospital, sa pagsundo sa ccp, sa pagsisimba. nagchat na tayo, nag-usap sa phone, nagtext.

to depend on another person again and have someone depend on me again, to open my heart to the possibility of getting hurt and hurting somebody, to trust someone again with all my heart, to love again with all that i am and all that i have...

isang kaibigan ko pala ang makakatanggal ng takot ko magtiwala ulit. isang kaibigan na lagi lang nandiyan, hindi ako iniwan, hindi ako niloko, hindi ako pinagsamantalahan, hindi ako pinabayaan. masisisi mo ba ako kung naging mabilis ang desisyon kong ibigay sa yo ang lahat ngayong matagal mo nang pinakita sa ken na mahal mo ko?

limang oras na lang magkikita na tayo. kung saan man, hindi pa natin alam. pero sigurado akong magkikita tayo. magkasama na naman tayo kumain, gumala, magkape, magbisyo, magsimba. naiinip nako, at hindi na nga makatulog dahil sa saya. pero ano ba naman ang limang oras na paghihintay hindi ba? limang oras na lang at makakasama na ulit kita. limang oras na lang at matutupad na sa wakas yung plinano natin noon na magkasama lang sa loob ng isang araw na walang iniisip na problema. limang oras na lang at gagaan ulit ang pakiramdam kong bumigat dahil sa mga iniisip kong problema. limang oras na lang at maaalala ko na naman yung pagdating mo sa ospital, yung binalikan mo ko, at hindi mo ko iniwan. limang oras na lang, maririnig ko na naman ang tinig mo...

hawakan mo lang ang kamay ko...

mahal na mahal kita. ngayon hindi na ko takot. ngayon nagtitiwala na ako. ngayon may direksyon na ang buhay ko. ngayon may liwanag na. hindi ako bibitiw.

limang oras na lang...

once again, congratulations sisses!

2004-12-01T07:13:00.000-08:00

sa wakas!

natapos na rin ang iilang linggong paghihirap at naidaos nang maayos ang GAG5 by the UP Sigma Beta Sorority. ang galing talaga ng mga sis! pagkatapos ng lahat ng paghahanda, dumating na rin ang oras.

una, ang gaganda ng mga sis. nakakabighani talaga sila!

2nd, ang sisipag! akalain mong itong mga dalagang ito na ke gaganda e nagbubuhat ng kung anu-ano (kaha ng beer, juice, tarpaulines, etc) at nagmumukang macho!

3rd, ang lalakas ng loob! lahat halos ng taong dumaan sa basement ay binibigyan ng flyers para hatak tao sa event. kahit na ang daming umisnab sa kanila, todo abot pa din ng flyers!

4th, mga aligaga! akyat-baba ang mga tao at walang nakapirmi sa isang tabi lang. lahat ng areas of designation ay natauhan. walang pasaway.

5th, ang lakas magdasal ng mga sis! nagbabadya ang ulan. may steady drizzle na nga nung mga 8pm e. konting sipol jan at isang damakmak na dasal, nawala ang ulan. ang lakas natin kay Lord!

6th, ang daming tao. ang sikiiiiiiiiip sa dance floor! kahit tumayo ka lang mapapagalaw ka na rin to the beat of the song dahil sa galaw ng mga tao. i swear, isang malaking effort ang dapat mong ibuhos kung pupunta ka sa dj's booth na ilang dipa lang ang layo mula sa kinalalagyan mo.

7th, talagang sumayaw ang mga sis. hindi na kinailangan pang magpilitan para lang magsayaw sila at i-embody ang GIRLS-ASK-GUYS. nakakatuwang makita yung mga batang sis na akala natin ay sobrang mahiyain, na maghatak ng kanilang guy friends upang magsayaw. dahil sa kanila, biglang napuno ang dance floor.

8th, masaya lahat ng tao. ang ganda ng feedbacks na nakuha namin. unanimous judgment: "ang saya! lasing ako!" ang mga taga UP talaga o... bench mark ng kasiyahan ng isang programa ay kung gaano sila nalasing... hahaha.

9th, walang gulo. kudos to the fratmen and other groups of men who attended the event. salamat sa pagtolerate sa mga nanggugulo dahil sa kalasingan (dahil isa ako sa mga witnesses kung paano manggulo ang mga lasing, at kung paano sila tinolerate ng otherwise impatient people). thank you for being so well-behaved during the program at walang gulong nangyari, contrary to the expectations of most people (including fratmen).

10th, all sisses stayed and helped pack up the soro stuff. hindi lang isa ang nag-ayos, hindi lang isa ang naglinis. i mean, walang nagdonya-donyahan at hindi tumulong, at walang bratinella sa mga lasing. ang saya talaga maging sober kapag ang daming lasing. hehehe.

but most of all, i'm proud of what happened after. every event is a learning experience. not the event itself, but how to prepare for it. not how much you've done, but how you've done it. not how much the event generated, but how much we learned from it. it's not about earning or losing money, it's about gaining the trust and confidence of the people we interact with - the sponsors, the staff, the public, our friends. it's not about how happy we are after the event, but how happy our audience are after attending the event. it always feels good to see the satisfied smiles (and silly grins for the drunk ones!) in the faces of the audience as they go out of the door. because in the end, it's not about our personal glory. we didn't do this to be famous or to be rich or to be powerful...

FOR THE SAKE OF THE SORORITY I WILL DO.

i love you sisters.

bitches & sorority girls

2004-11-25T05:46:00.000-08:00

mga first impressions sa sorority girls:

1. babae ng fratmen
2. puro gimik lang ang alam
3. mabisyo
4. bagsak sa acads
5. bitches

babae ng fratmen. that would be primarily because sorority girls are often seen with fratmen, kasi almost always, magkatabi ang tambayan ng soro sa frat brods nila. hindi namin kasalanan to. ito ang minana naming tambayan, so get over it. hindi rin lahat ng sororities nakadikit sa frat brods nila. like us, for example. geographically speaking, hiwalay kami sa beta sigma. second, maraming sorority girls ang girlfriends ng fratmen. that would be because we move in the same circle. may instant connection na nabubuo kapag napag-alaman na fratman / soro girl kayo pareho. that is also because most of us are almost ostracized by others. i mean, ang sama kaya ng tingin ng ibang tao kapag magkakasama kami ng mga sis. madaming dahilan kung bakit iba ang tingin samen - (1) nagagandahan sa men (2) naiingayan sa men (3) naiinis sa men (4) naiinggit sa men (5) naiintimidate sa men. ang dami ko nang naging classmates and friends na sinasabi sa ken, na ok pala kami ng mga sis, na ok pala ko. akala nila pakawala akong babae dahil sa sorority girl ako. point: maraming sorority girls ang hindi attached. meron din attached sa non-fratmen. maraming attached sa fratmen because frankly, very few men are brave enough to approach us once they learn that we are sorority girls. worse, very few men who don't belong to Greek-lettered societies accept us and our lifestyle.

puro gimik lang ang alam. frankly, hindi lang kami ang gumigimik. gimik for us is a time to bond with our sisses, not to go out and look for boys. we just want to have a good time, because we are so tired with everything that we're doing and trying to balance. we need a break. imagine, we are students who study. we are daughters and sisters who try to be good members of our families. some of us are working and trying to become contributing members of our society. we also have organizations wherein we try to be good members and/or officers. on top of it all, we are sorority girls who organize fundraisers, socio-civic activities and celebrations for the anniversary of our respective institutions, something that other students don't have to do. we do marketing, we talk to people from all walks of life, we organize events, we handle money to the tune of hundreds of thousands. now how many 18-, 19-, 20- and 21-year olds can handle that?

mabisyo. lahat tayo may kanya-kanyang bisyo. hindi lang sorority girls ang umiinom at nagyoyosi. maraming iba pang tao na mas marami pang bisyo, with some vices going against the law. as long as hindi ka nakakasakit ng iba, tumatapak ng iba at nakakaistorbo ng iba, go ahead and do your thing.

bagsak sa acads. hmmm... alam niyo ba na most of the old sororities started out as honor societies? yes... that's why academic excellence is part of their thrusts. i'm not gonna say that we always graduate with honors. but realistically speaking, the majority of UP students get at least one 5 in their class card. not that i'm justifying it, but with all the responsibilities that we have, you really can't blame us if we don't have enough time to study. but really, we're trying our best. disclaimer: i'm not speaking for fratmen. i'm not one of them.

bitches. you know why? i have a theory. it's a defense mechanism. a kind of, self-fulfilling prophecy. others think that we are bitches. so they treat us with hostility. we react with hostility. then others will conclude that we indeed are bitches. get it? sa totoo lang, mabait kami. wag lang kami gagalitin talaga. plus, we are protective of our sisses. it's more of, awayin mo isa, aawayin ka ng lahat. parang ganon. hehe.

maybe i am defending sorority girls. not only because i am one, but because i am tolerant of different groups, cliques or organizations. i am for doing your own thing. maybe all i'm asking is that before we judge other people, we try to get to know them first. try to be in their position, to be facing their problems and responsibilities. and if you don't like them at all, don't generalize. i mean, not all academic organizations are made up of geeks. not all members of theater, musical or performing arts organizations are walang hiya. not all org-less people are apathetic. not all members of civic groups are anti-government and aktibistas. not all fratmen are gago, and not all sorority girls are bitches. (but i am, and frances is. hahaha!!! love you fran!)

sana i'm with you in your dreams.

buhay nga naman

2004-11-24T06:24:00.000-08:00

you just can't have everything in life. just when you think life's very good to you, that you have everything you can ever ask for, something fouls up and you'll realize that life is fair.

i'm having a blast with jc. i mean, lahat ng gawin namin, kahit pa tumunganga lang, natutuwa ako. i get to share my love for balahuraan, food and bisyo with him. kanina lang, we had kebab with verj. lahat kaming 3 sobrang nabusog, nakakasuka na. and that was after pa we had couples sa danny's where we had chicharong bulaklak (kaya masakit batok ni jc...). anyway, it was a fine evening. time seems to stop when i'm with jc, and yet, parang ang bilis din ng oras.

tapos uuwi ako na nag-aaway si mama at ana. ewan ko ba. pati maliit na bagay tulad ng vent ng aircon pinag-aawayan nila. ewan ko ba kung maaayos pa to.

life has a way of jerking you back into reality. kaya nga kapag masaya ka, savor that moment, because it doesn't last long. tulad ngayon, wala na naman akong pera. problema na naman sweldo next week. ewan ko ba. hindi na to matapos-tapos. nakakapagod mamroblema tungkol sa pera. pero sabi naman ni jc, malalampasan din namin to.

i can't wait for the time na ako naman ang mag-aasikaso ng pamilya ko. yung tipo bang namin yung mangyayari, hindi yung nakadepende lang sa iba. yung tipo bang macocontrol namin yung situation in the sense that puwede kong matanggal yung hurtful & painful situations to protect my loved ones. alam ko hindi naman matatanggal lahat ng problema e, pero sana yung unnecessary na problema mawala. i can't wait to be in a job wherein i would be sufficiently financially rewarded and yet i'm not a corporate slave.

ewan ko ba. am i asking for too much? hindi naman ata e. i just feel that i can make my wishes come true. i don't have to be always under stress because of money. i don't have to listen to anyone's nagging to another. i don't have to make tiis living with a good-for-nothing brother under the same roof.

i'm looking forward to the day that i can come home and be greeted lovingly by a family who talks properly about things and settles issues not by fighting but by talking.

i'm looking forward to that day, best friend.

gag5, life themes & yellow cab with jc

2004-11-22T05:57:00.000-08:00

sa wakas! go na go na talaga ang GAG5 (girls-ask-guys 5 dance party) on sunday, november 28, at the basement, eastwood city, libis. after some nights of pagpupuyat on some of the sisses' part (particularly frances & charm, lalo si charm na up to the last minute before arianne's debut e inaayos at nirerevise pa yung layout) and after countless phone calls to asia brewery, marerelease na tomorrow ang posters and tickets at sigurado nang may beer sa linggo. thanks to mike lopez and the other people of psychsoc for helping us distribute the flyers kanina. funny talaga sila! namimili ng bibigyan ng flyers para naman daw mga gwapo't magaganda lang ang pupunta. so in effect, status symbol daw kapag meron kang flyer. hahaha. so far so good naman ang projection ng ticket sales. at least 10 sisses ang nakacommit na 20 tickets ang kaya nila ibenta, so more than break even na kami dun. so para sa mga wala pang gimik on the 28th, punta na ng eastwood ha? alalahanin na non-working holiday sa monday, so ok lang na bangag-bangag tayo dun!

for my psych260 class kanina, we told stories about our lives, pero may theme ito. i discussed my quarter life crisis, another classmate discussed her problems regarding her kid. another made kuwento about his spirituality, focus & growth as a person & as a priest, while another spoke of his quest to become a better person. a guidance counselor classmate discussed his long-term goal of having a center of his own, and my PT classmate spoke of his love for psychology. intro class lang to kasi first meeting. i especially was touched of my classmate who's a single mom, and her problems of raising her children who are adolescents, ergo, magulo ang buhay at naghahanap pa lang ng identity. i got teary eyed (really!) when she spoke of her frustration of ever finding her one true love because of the fact that she got married to the guy who's wrong for her. she was frustrated at the fact na of all guys na she meets, wala talagang bagay sa kanya, and she already surrendered na she'll grow old alone because she knows that when her daughters grow up, they'll have to take care of their own families. ang sad diba?

this made me appreciate jc more. this is the first weekend since naging kami na hindi kami nagkita at all! so miss na miss na talaga namin ang isa't isa. tulad ng lagi naming ginagawa, we met up for dinner. he picked me up sa UP and we went to yellow cab visayas ave where the cheese pizza is really great, hindi namin pinagsasawaan. the thing is, we also had pasta, na naubos namin for the first time. at dahil dun, hindi na namin naubos yung pizza. ang magaling kong boyfriend, nakaka 2 slices pa lang, give up na. sabi ko ang hina naman niya kumain. hinamon ako na mag3rd slice pa. e di shempre kumain ako kasi sabi niya magyoyosi lang sya. in the end, hindi na rin niya kinaya kaya i ended up eating 3 slices, siya 2 slices, and inuwi ko na lang yung remaining 3 slices. ayan, eto ko ngayon, busog na busog na naman. hmp! sabi ko pa naman magpapapayat ako. kaya lang, pano ko maaachieve yun kung yung boyfriend ko e pinipilit akong kumain, at kailangan pa e sabayan ko siya. grabe nasusuka nako sa kabusugan. i just received a text from him na asa office na siya. last pasok na niya to for this week, tapos leave na siya until the weekend. ang saya diba.

o siya. nahihilo ako sa sobrang dami ng kinain namin. susulat ulit ako kapag may bagong kuwento. wag mawawala sa linggo ha?

love you jc. kita tayo soon.

ang maiwan ng mga sis, paglamon sa debut at pagmiss kay jc

2004-11-21T07:20:00.000-08:00

nakakatawa kagabi naiwan namin si ISG sa apartment! hahaha! kasi ang bilis ng mga pangyayari at biglang may sasakyan na nakaharang sa daan at we were causing traffic, so we had to go, with both groups thinking that ISG was with the other group. buti na lang nagtext kami ni MIS at natunton namin na naiwan si ISG sa apartment. kawawa naman siya! umakyat lang para kumuha ng pera, at wala pa ata siyang 1 minute sa taas. pagbaba niya, wala nang tao. nakakatawa talaga! ang bilis ng mga pangyayari. buti na lang binalikan siya nila MIS at nakasama pa sya sa debut. akalain mo nga namang naunahan pa siya ni shine na ala pa atang 5 minutes sa apartment dahil sa nalate siya. sorry talaga sis. anyway, as you said, at least binalikan ka. hahaha! ang ingay tuloy natin sa entrance nung ballroom kung saan naganap ang napakagandang debut celebration ni arianne.

ang ganda talaga ni arianne, parang prinsesa. in fairness, ang ganda din nung mga sis. nagtinginan ang mga tao pagpasok namin sa ballroom. shempre nagkuwentuhan galore kami, at lahat ata ay may kanya-kanyang opinyon sa naganap sa tagisan ng lakas ng loob through text between ISG and her beloved. huminto lang kaming magkuwentuhan nung kainan na, dahil lahat kami ay gutom na gutom na. ang sarap talaga ng food kagabi. shempre nilubos namin ang paglamon diba? kasi kelan pa ba ulit kami makakakain ng ganung kasarap na pagkain na libre? hehe. mga sis talaga o... pero sarap talaga nung food ha. nasira ang diet nung mga nagdadiet dahil sa nakailang balik kami sa buffet table. sinuwerte pa dahil kami ang unang nilapitan ng mom ni arianne para pumunta na sa buffet table. ang swerte talaga. hehe.

shempre sa likod ng mga kaguluhang ito ay tinetext ko si jc. mejo nabulilyaso nga yung plano naming magkita dahil una, wala silang gimik nila verj, so wala akong susundan na gimik. second, late na kami nakauwi, tapos knockout pa ko. e gusto uminom ni jc. kaya lang wala nako talagang energy para lumabas pa. ang nagawa ko na nga lang ay magbihis (at magtanggal ng killer shoes ko!), magtanggal ng makeup (salamat sa cetaphil) at magtoothbrush. tapos nagnakaw nako ng unan at malong for kumot, pumwesto nako sa sofa para makatulog. di ko na nga nasamahan yung mga sis na nagtatapos ng layout ng poster at tickets. kanina tumatawag ako sa apartment para mangamusta, ala naman nang sumasagot ng phone. ang labo nga e. di bale, i trust in the sisses, alam ko namang di sila titigil hanggat di nagagawa yung dapat gawin.

so ayun na nga, dapat kanina na lang kami magkikita ni jc. kaya lang nabulilyaso ulit. di kasi namin maayos yung sked namin (na lalo pang gumulo dahil sa paglipat ng off nila jc, kaya may pasok siya ngayon). di na tuloy kami nakapagkita, so nagkuwentuhan na lang kami sa phone. ang saya nga ng usapan namin e, kahit na nagsusungit-sungitan pa ko nung umaga dahil sa lack of sleep at pagod. pero ayos na naman. ayun, kuwentuhan ulit, tapos kain, tapos we both took naps, tapos usap ulit sa phone. chaka text shempre kapag di kami makapagtelepono. nakitawa siya sa mga funny stories, nakinig sa mga worries ko about work, at nagprofess ulit ng kanyang undying love and loyalty. hehe. pero nakakatuwa talaga. basta di ko ma-explain, pero masaya ko ngayon kahit na may mga problema pa. tamang-tama talaga yung fortune na nakuha ko sa cake ni arianne kagabi... don't waste time finding someone new, go through your old files, there's someone there for you. five months ago i would have laughed this thing off. now, having found someone for me, i thought na, ang galing ha. tama nga ito. he's not one of my "old files", but he's definitely not someone new, having been my friend for the last year and several months. sobrang importante talaga yung magkaibigan kayo ng partner mo. it makes talking about things a lot easier. yun bang, nasasakyan niya mga bisyo ko, naiintindihan niya mga problema ko, tanggap niya mga mahal ko sa buhay, at natitiis niya ang hormonal imbalances ko, especially when i get cranky because of menstrual cramps. may mga pagtatalo kami, pero naaayos din namin agad dahil dinadaan namin sa usapan. chaka madalas, pinagtatawanan namin ang isa't isa. kasi nga magkaibigan kami, hindi exempted ang isa't isa sa pangungulit at panggagago namin. minsan nga wala na kaming ginawa kundi magkulitan e, mag-asaran, at magbalahuraan. hindi obvious, pero mas gago siya kesa saken. kala niyo lang mabait siya. hahaha. joke. pero mahal na mahal ko to. sinagip niya ko nung time na nag-give up nakong may meant pa for me, and he made me want to take the risk again. he's not only my boyfriend, but he's also my best friend. every hour na hindi ko siya kasama is a torture, especially kapag hindi kami nakakapagtext, kasi hindi ko alam kung safe siya, kung comfortable siya. nag-aalala ko kasi baka inaantok siya tapos hindi siya puwede matulog, baka nagugutom siya tapos wala siyang mahanap na food, or pagod siya tapos hindi siya makapagpahinga. haaaaay buhay nga naman. kapag ang pag-ibig tumama sa yo, iba na talaga. basta namimiss ko na siya. di bale, bukas naman magkikita na kami. tapos isang pasok na lang, leave na niya. yehey!!!! miss you jc. text ka lang ha? ingat ka sa biyahe. stay safe.

unconditional love

2004-11-19T07:51:00.000-08:00

a face that only a mother could love...

hehe. hindi naman ako ganito kapanget na tanging nanay ko lang ang puwedeng magmahal saken. pero diba, ganyan kalupit ang pagmamahal ng ina na kahit ano pag ang ichura mo, mamahalin ka pa rin niya. malamang lang diba. siya nagbigay ng buhay sayo e.

pero kung hindi pisikal ang pag-uusapan, mayroon kayang mga tao na kahit ano gawin mo ay mamahalin ka pa rin?

shempre ang pamilya andyan. kadugo mo yan e. wala na silang magagawa. pero hindi pa rin lahat ng kamag-anak mo ay mamahalin ka. minsan nga pati mga magkakapatid nagpapatayan e. mayroon pa ring mga bagay na nagagawa ang mga tao para hindi sila mapatawad kahit ng mga sarili nilang kadugo.

kaibigan. lahat naman tayo may kaibigan diba? pakamatay ka na kung wala kang kaibigan. pero may mga nasisira pa ring pagkakaibigan. may mga nagpapatayan ngang magkakaibigan dahil sa maliliit na bagay e.

posible pa kayang makahanap ng taong mamahalin ka unconditionally? no ifs, no buts, mahal ka niya. period. yung kahit ikaw ang may kasalanan, papatawarin ka pa rin niya. yung kahit ayaw mo na magsalita, pakikinggan ka pa rin niya. yung kahit magtatago ka na, hahanapin ka pa rin niya. tumakbo ka man, hahabulin ka pa rin niya. tumalon ka sa building, sasaluhin ka niya kahit ang bigat mo pa. pero hindi siya martir, kasi hindi siya magtitiis. sasabihin at sasabihin niya sayo kapag may mali kang ginagawa, kapag naiinis siya sa sinasabi mo, kapag nakakasakit ka ng tao. you'll be reminded to slow down kapag nagmamadali ka, and you'll be reminded to move fast kapag nagtatamad-tamaran ka.

akala ko noon, mga sis lang ang makakatanggap sa ken for who i am. sila lang naman ang nagtiyatiyaga na kausapin ako, pakinggan ako, paalalahanan, samahan, pigilan, batukan, yakapin, ibeso, iconsole. ngayon ko, higitkailanman, napatunayan na puwede palang makahanap ng tao na hindi mo man kadugo ay mamahalin ka pa rin ng walang kondisyon. yung kung ano man ang gawin mo, nagawa mo, at gagawin mo, patatawarin ka pero papaalalahanan nang hindi ka binabago.

salamat sa pagtanggap. forgive me for even attempting to let go. you don't know how sorry i am for what happened. i'm really sorry. i won't do it again. wala nang bitiwan.

karma

2004-11-18T07:27:00.000-08:00

ano ba ang dapat gawin para mapaniwala ko ang mga tao sa paligid ko na nagbago nako? na i'm trying my best? na i'm honest? na i'm loyal?

ang sakit isipin na matapos ang ilang buwang pagsusumikap ay hindi pa rin pala buong nabibigay ang tiwalang akala ko ay akin na. ang sakit isipin na matapos ng lahat ay may nag-iisip pa din na hindi malinis ang intensyon ko, na ginagawa ko lang to para pampalipas oras. ang sakit isipin na ang isang sulatin na ginawa para mapatawa ang ibang tao ay sa ibang paraan babasahin, na iba ang lalabas sa gusto kong palabasin.

sa mga natuwa sa nauna kong sinulat, salamat, lalo sa nagcomment. yan ay pawang katotohanan, halaw sa buhay namin ng mga sis ko. nakakagulat isipin na habang sinasabi ko sa mga sis na basahin nila ang blog ko dahil matatawa sila dito, na matapos ko ipabasa sa mga teachers yung sinulat ko at mapatawa sila, ay may isang tao palang nasaktan sa mga ito.

karma ko ito. maybe i deserve what you think about me. tatanggapin ko na lang ang mga mangyayari. i deserve this, i really do. i didn't think that one piece of writing in a blog is all it would take to bring out everything. ang karma nga naman, mabilis bumalik.

trahedya sa buhay, batong ipinupukol sa ulo, at kanser

2004-11-17T18:32:00.000-08:00

trahedya sa buhay
may teorya ang mga sis na kailangan munang magkaroon ng trahedya sa buhay bago magkaboyfriend. hindi naman sa nagmamadali kaming lahat magkaboyfriend, pero aminin na nating nakakpressure kapag isa-isa nang nagkakalovelife ang mga close mo sa buhay, at tuwing uuwi sa probinsya ay tinatanong ka ng mga kamag-anak mo kung may boyfriend ka na at worse (tulad ng kay shine), ay magpakasal na daw siya at the age of 23. scary di ba. paano naman nag-arrive ang mga sis sa teoryang ito? kasi yung mga sis na may boyfriend ngayon ay nagkatrahedya sa buhay, o kaya naman'y isang malaking trahedya na ang buhay. halimbawa, ako na naaksidente at nagkaroon ng 8 stitches sa braso, si jewell at cj na dignidad daw ang nayurakan sa landas na dinayo nila, si janis na kasama sa car accident last year, si lorraine na nasunugan, si jen na trahedya ang buhay na biglang tinapon sa ibang lupalop ng mundo samantalang honeymoon stage pa lamang ang relasyon nila ni topet, at si gretz na, wala mang boyfriend, ay marami namang boys, kasingrami ng mga cellphones, bag, at pera na nanakaw sa kanya. exception to the rule yung mga sobrang bait, tulad ni rachelle (pero may natatagong kamalditahan itong batang ito) at ni arianne ( na malapit nang magdebut!).

batong ipinupukol sa ulo
ito ang isang past time ng mga sis... yun bang mamulot ng bato na ipupukpok nila sa ulo nila... as if hindi ako kasama dito. hehehe. anyway, ito na nga yun no. may problema ka na, dadagdagan mo pa. o kaya naman, wala kang problema, papasok ka sa problema, kahit alam mong mamomroblema ka dito. halimbawa, hindi ka pa over sa isang guy ay papasok ka na sa commitment with another guy na hindi mo naman gusto. o kaya naman, alam mo nang hindi maaring maging kayo ng isang guy, sige pa din, tuloy pa din sa isang pseudorelationship. puwede rin namang you got involved with a fratman (especially true for sorority girls like us!), tapos eto na, type mo yung isa nyang brod. naku gulo ito! boulder na itong ipinupukol mo sa ulo mo ateh. o kaya naman, friends kayo, pero nagiging more than friends na, tapos tinatago niyo sa iba (ehem! ehem! hahahaha!), tapos nagpupupunta kayo sa mga places na madalas puntahan ng maraming tao, yung tipo bang mahuhuli kayo talaga, pero ayaw niyo machismis. naku! kung ganito, hindi ka na nagpupukpok ng bato sa ulo mo... ulo mo na ang inuumpog mo sa bato.

kanser
aaaahhhh... ito ang mahirap i-explain. isa itong malaking contradiction sa love life ng mga sis. ito yung lalaking feeling mo ay pinakanagmahal sayo, pero pinakaginago ka din. yung pinakalove mo, pero pinakahate mo din. yung heaven nung times na maayos kayo, pero malala pa sa impyerno nung nagkahiwalay kayo. pilit mong kinakalimutan, ngunit pasulpot-sulpot pa rin sa buhay mo. ayaw mo nang makausap, pero secretly ay kinikilig ka kapag nakikita mo. hindi mo tinetext, pero halos lumuwa mata mo kapag nakatanggap ka ng text from him. siya ang dahilan kung bakit nilalaglag mo minsan ang mga kaibigan (at sis) mo, ngunit siya din ang dahilan kung bakit ka naging closer pa sa friends mo. dahil sa kanya ay naramdaman mo kung paano magmahal at masaktan, maloko at manloko, maging "exclusively dating" hanggang "very much available" ang status, maappreciate ang buwan at ang araw, maging sobrang pangit dahil sa nakalimutan mo nang mag-ayos kakahagulgol sa kanya at maging sobrang ganda naman dahil sa kagustuhan mong ipakita sa kanya na "it's your loss not mine", at maging favorite song ang "crazy for you", "through the fire", "i will survive", at "real thing". tulad ng cancer of whatever form, kailangan din dito ang chemotherapy kung talagang malala na. ang mga possible solutions:

1. parlor - manicure, pedicure, footspa, hot oil, haricut, the works!
2. shopping - magastos nga lang, ngunit dahil sa may ukay na, hindi na mashado mabigat sa bulsa ang pagtustos sa therapy na ito
3. kape - lalo pag kasama ang mga sis! sinong makapagsasabing hindi maaaring umabot ng 5 hours ang isang cup ng kape, tea, or frap?
4. culture & the arts - mapagallery, exhibits, concerts, play o anuman, magpakacultured ka. some experiences are simply breathtaking, some leave you wondering why the f*** ngayon ka lang nagpakacultured, some leave you perplexed (pag hindi mo naintindihan), some leave you thinking bakit ka pa nagaksaya ng oras. at least may nagawa ka sa buhay mo, at hindi ka nagmukmok sa isang tabi.
5. friendster - ilabas mo sa bulletin board ang mga hinaing mo sa buhay
6. blog - ika nga ni frances, "it's my blog!". isulat mo lahat ng gusto mo isulat. rant ever ka!
7. barhopping - magastos na bisyo, lalo pag walang pera ang mga tao at kailangan mo silang ibribe na ililibre mo sila mula entrance, beer, pulutan hanggang taxi para lang sumama sila. but it's worth it kung may panggastos ka naman. dance the night away na lang. at least man lang umabot ka ng quota mo ng alcohol at sayaw sa isang buwan.
8. videoke - emote na sa mga "masasayang" awitin tulad ng paalam na, saving all my love, through the fire, all at once at all this time
9. sugal - swerte sa sugal, malas sa pag-ibig. this is true most of the time. kahit na wala kang boys sa buhay, may pera ka naman panglibre sa mga pabigat sa gimik na laging walang perang pangtustos sa mga bisyo nila (hindi mga sis ang pinapatamaan ko dito dahil mayaman ang mga sis. hehehe!)
10. dates - sabi nga ng nanay ko, kung ayaw mo yung lalaking nakikipagdate sayo, magpadala ka na lang sa mahal na restaurant at umorder ng mahal na pagkain... that is, kung libre niya at hindi kkb ang bayaran.

ngunit huwag kakalimutan na hindi lalaki ang sagot sa problemang lalaki. huwag ka ng pumulot ng batong ipupukol mo sa ulo mo, habang hindi mo pa naibaba ang batong nakapukol na (paging pia!). gawin mo man ng 10x sa isang araw ang lahat ng nabanggit kong therapy, ikaw pa rin ang makasasagot sa problema mo. hindi ka makakamove on hanggang hindi ka nakakalet go. i should know, nagdaan din ako diyan. nagkakanser na din ako, and it took me more than a year para makamove on. may mga bato rin akong ipinukol sa ulo ko, and yes, it took one great tragedy and a few thousand pesos para gumaling ako, pero ngayon, happy na ako. hmmmm... baka nga totoo yung teorya ng mga sis....

post script:
congratulations to jc & the rest of the team for getting the work. i hope to see you all on sunday. :)

i'm done

2004-11-17T07:05:00.000-08:00

i'm finally done with the comps, but i'm not totally over it yet.

as some of you may already know, i'm sure i failed at least 1 of the 4 subjects, passed the other 2, and still hoping that i passed the other 1. nevertheless, i'm more comfortable retaking the failed subject next year, because by then, i would know what i'm facing.

it was difficult to take the comps because i didn't know what would be asked. sa dami ba naman ng mga tinuro sa amin, ano dun yung lalabas diba?

but i did it, even if i'll have to retake the other one. now, i have to read leisure books, watch dvds, play scrabble without my readings on the side, go out and eat without thinking of the things i still have to study, and just have fun without getting guilty.

now, i have to fix some other things. there's funshine, the sorority & the sisses, my studies (yep, i'm enrolled), my family, and jc. they kept me sane during the hell weeks of just studying, reminding me to relax when i'm taking things too hard, and reminding me to study when i'm slacking off. i had a great weekend with my cousins, the husband, the boyfriends, and my beautiful niece, Lorraine. i got to go out for some drinks with dear friends, something jc & i had never been able to do for the longest time. it was a perfect ending for a week which was culminated by one of the toughest exams i had to go through. it also made me realize how lucky i was to be around people who truly care for and love me.

hyper-hyper ako ngayon, and a little maaliwalas na ang aura ko. i still have to work and to study, but like i told ISG CJ, i think i deserve a loooong break. now i can truly say, abot kamay na ang baguio!

happiest day, jc. i love you.

to take or not to take

2004-11-08T18:19:00.000-08:00

22 1/2 hours from now, i will be sitting in a chair, probably 2 or 3 seats or even more, away from a fellow student, sweating it out and praying that whatever answers i put would be the one my testers are looking for.

i have 6 hours to back out from the comprehensive exams... but i won't.

i'm not so sure if i have what it takes to pass the exams, but i am sure that i have what it takes to go there and take the exams. i have studied long and hard, and tried my best to retain whatever i have reviewed. i have spent the last six weeks reading and practicing computations and have only enough energy left for the 7-hour exam.

i have done everything i can for the comps. i will need more than luck to pass. i will need many people to pray for me (especially those who are hoping that i pass so that i can give my notes to them. haha!)

i have time for last minute reviews. i have time for a retake if the need arises. but i'll do it tomorrow. i'll be at a room in phan, sweating it out as a group of professors dish out the best questions they can to see what we've learned the last semesters about the history, statistics and research of and in psychology. i'll be taking my time and pray that there will be enough time for me to finish everything. and after 4pm, after our proctor tells us to pass our blue books, i will be at phan, meeting the person who gave me the strength and support i needed throughout the whole reviewing ordeal. i will be telling him all about the exams, complaining about the difficult questions, and raving about the ones that i am sure i have answered correctly. we will be going out and treat ourselves and just have a good time because finally, i can relax and say, i did it. he will be telling me that whatever the results are, he will still be beside me and if necessary, provide me with enough strength to last me a retake of the exams.

22 1/2 hours from now, when i take the comps, i will be thinking of jc. this one's for him.

a panic attack and my quarter-life crisis

2004-11-04T10:29:00.000-08:00

i should warn you that this might not be a feel-good post but i think i need this to feel good.

it's 2:30 in the morning (manila time) and i can't sleep yet. i've gone to bed twice in the past hour, each time getting up to do something that i thought would make me sleepy. obviously, those things failed. i only realized why i couldn't sleep when i went to my mom, and i had a good cry.

i'm 22 and a graduate student. i have a comprehensive exams, 9 units of lecture and 6 units of thesis to go before i graduate. i'm hoping to get my masters degree by the time i'm 24.

i'm 22 and the administrator of a special education center catering to students with exceptionalities. i'm the youngest in a staff of 10, and yet i'm supposed to be the boss.

i'm 22 and the eldest in a brood of 3. i'm an elder sister to a 20-year old brother who's an ultima online addict and who does almost nothing our of concern for me. he still doesn't know when he'll get his bs degree. i'm also the big sister of a 13-year old younger sister who's striving to make a name for herself in a school where her older sister has, apparently, made a name for herself already. it's difficult enought to be an adolescent; things don't get any better when you're living behind somebody's shadow.

i know i have many things to do right now, but i have to calm my nerves first. my spondylosis is stressed-related, and this panic attack won't help me now.

i tried studying the sample questions for the comps. it's not that i don't understand the questions. I DON'T UNDERSTAND SOME OF THE WORDS THEY USE AT ALL! i'm not any under pressure to pass, but i really want to pass this already... or better yet, i don't want a retake of 212! i started to panic that i cried kanina.

the quarter-life crisis is not uncommon anymore. the many pressures and responsibilities of young adults make life a bit more difficult today than it was 25 years ago. girls are under more pressure than guys. decades ago, we were not even expected to earn college degrees. now, we are expected to get our degrees, get decent jobs and earn our keep. on top of that, we are also expected to be committed in romantic relationships. i mean, how many 24-year olds DON'T get the ang-tanda-mo-na-wala-ka-pang-boyfriend spiel from their elders? and how many 30-year olds DON'T get the mawawala-ka-na-sa-kalendaryo line from their numerous aunts and uncles? we are expected to be obedient daughters, career women and good girlfriends all at the same time, without sacrificing anything. we tend to do this all the time i'm not at all surprised that by the time we reach our 40s (wherein the additional roles of being a wife and mother are added), many of us breakdown and succumb to the mid-life crisis.

the late teens to early 20s years of a person is expected to be filled with many firsts and many surprises. for some of us, we get romantically involved during these years. for most (like me), we graduate with bs or ba degrees during our early 20s. we attend our first interviews, experience our first rejections, get accepted into our first jobs, and then decide that that particular job is not for us, then we pass our first resignation letter. Filipinos and Asians in general are actually exempted from the additional first of Westerners, that is, the first time to live away from home just because it's what society dictates. it is the overwhelming experience of many firsts and many unexpected's that make us step back, think, analyze, evaluate and decide, a time and a process that is now called the quarter-life crisis.

*** to be continued next time i get the time or the inspiration or the emotions to write. i'm sleepy, i have to rest, because i have to attend to some paperworks for the center later in the morning ***

hehehe

2004-11-04T03:33:00.000-08:00

i did something wrong with this thing that my name is the title of the blog... haha. i'll try to figure out how to edit it because it's not in the edit profile.

i'm actually trying this out!

2004-11-04T02:48:00.000-08:00

i know i should be studying but my dysmenorrhoea is really bothering me (i just had to share that with you, huh?) so i checked friendster and finally visited frances' blog. i saw that cerille is also into blogging so i thought, what the heck, i'm doing friendster anyway so i might as well do this blogging thing so cerille won't have to check my numerous posts in friendster to get updated. haha.

i guess i should tell you guys that i'm not a techie person, so that's saying that i don't know anything about computers except that i use it for ms word, excel, internet and the games ( i don't even know how to play some of the games). i just learned how to use the spss (statistical package for the social sciences) recently because i had to, since it's needed to pass a very crucial subject in my masters class. this whole blogging thing is new to me and pardon me if i do commit some errors, which may be minimal because i'm trying to follow the instructions step by step. maybe i should ask jc to help me figure this thing out after my comps...

yep, i'm taking the comprehensive exams for graduate students next week. i'm not yet finished studying but i'll seriously memorize some formulas later when i get home. i need to pass the comps before i can do my thesis, but the passing rate is not so encouraging. the rumors are that only 1 passed out of the 17 that took the exam this may, and almost all 16 who did not make it failed the psych 212 course (multivariate analysis). i got a decent grade in that subject... no, not decent. it was actually high for someone like me who struggled in all my math subjects that the chair of the department told me during my interview that i should work hard in my statistics courses if i plan to graduate at all. and worst of all, i'm the only one in our batch taking the comps this november! ilaglag ba ako ng batchmates ko?! i don't blame them, though. i'm also not yet fully prepared but i want to take the comps right now because the second semester and summer break will only make matters regarding my stat subjects worse. i know i'll only forget the things i've learned from the demi-god Dr. FG David of the UP Department of Psychology so i might as well take the comps now, and retake it (sana wag na!!!!) next may if i have to. i need your prayers ha? the comps is on november 10, so pray for me. =)

i'll try to tinker with this blog thing first. surely, from someone as madaldal as me, you'll hear from me again.